Forgiveness & Reconciliation

I have a short temper, but one thing I do not do is hold grudges. I'm more likely to tell you exactly why I'm mad at you and then be over it. Obviously, if you do the same thing over and over it's going to affect our relationship, but even then I don't usually hang on to angry. Other people I know are still mad about the time in 1st grade when someone cut them in line. Many will never even verbalize their anger. Yet Christ gives us two pieces of information about dealing with conflict that apply to all of us, regardless of how we default in times of anger.

¹⁵Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. ¹⁶But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. ¹⁷And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.Matthew 18:15-17 KJV

²³Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; ²⁴Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. ²⁵Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison.Matthew 5:23-25 KJV

Last week, I woke up to a group chat message that I found highly offensive. I addressed the individual in what I thought was a calm manner, and they became defensive. It was a very short exchange, but in the end, the other person said they were "hurt" by what I said. This person did not care that they had hurt me and held no remorse for their part in the exchange, but per Christ's instructions the leaders of the church recommend that we "reconcile."

I'm Only Human

My first reaction was to become even angrier, to be honest. Imagine someone punches you, you respond by shoving them, and they respond by kicking you&mdahs;then they say you asaulted them and they're hurt. The flesh was like "Good! I hope you stay hurt." Unfortunately though, I'm at the point in my relationship with Christ where I know this isn't how to handle the situation. In responding to the message that originally caused offense, I sort of did Matthew 18:15—arguably because this was through text, the next conversation should probably still be one on one. Yet, because he has said that he is also hurt, I am also "at the alter [remembering] that my brother is angy with me." The two of us are doubly called to talk it out and attempt to be reconciled. The problem is, I'm not sorry for I said, and he's not sorry for what he said.

A Step of Humility

One of the hardest parts of forgiveness and reconciliation is admitting you are wrong. Whether we are wrong for what we said, how we said it, when we said it, who we said it to, or why said it, admitting that is hard. It's also hard to admit we blew something out of proportion or misjudged a person. In most situations we just want the other person to say "you were right and I was wrong." Meanwhile, they're thinking exactly the opposite. I've definitely grown in my ability to admit that I have overstepped a boundary, or gotten mad unnecessarily (PMS is real).

Unfortunately, the truth is, sometimes I think the person received exactly what they deserved. Maybe I didn't consciously say it to hurt the person, but even before I opened my mouth to speak, I decided what needed to be said was more important than hurt feelings. It is in those cases, such as the example we've been discussing, that I have no remorse for what happened and struggle the most with humility.

Questions to Ask Yourself

When i'm trying to bring myself into a state of humility, these are the questions I ask myself.

Was it necessary?

This question really should be asked on the front end of conversations, but if we're honest with ourselves, sometimes we say or do unnessary things. This is usually what gets us in trouble. When I answer this question truthfully, if the answer is no, it becomes easier to see the other person's point. This is essentially me admitting that overstepped a boundary. Even if what I said was true, it wasn't necessary and didn't benefit anyone.

Could I Have Handled It Better?

The answer to this question is almost always yes. It might take a day, or a month, or even years to able to answer it honestly, but the answer is almost always yes. I've often told people it's not what you said, but how you said it. The truth hurts sometimes, but that doesn't mean I should hurl it at you like a baseball. I have found that with delicate matters, every person reacts differently. As we get to know people, its important to remember who you're talking to. With some you may need to be more gentle. Many times we don't know that we've touched a nerve or we upset someone we don't know well. Stopping to think of alternative ways I could have handled a situation helps me to understand the person better, and sometime identify where things went wrong. This allows me to see from their perspective and is helpful in admitting my fault.

Was it the Right Time/Place?

We all know the meme "too soon." Sometimes it just isn't the right time to say something. Of course with somethings there is no right time, but at least there may be a right place. Things that may be ok to say between close friends or between family might not be ok to broadcast to your entire friend circle. Similiarly it could be one particular person that you said something in front of that irritates a person. Again, its one of those things we really should think about beforehand, but in the after effects, I find that acknowledging I embarassed someone or stole the spotlight, etc., is a crucial step in repentence.

Letting Go

It also takes humility to let things go. Pride is what makes us feel like someone owes us an apology or that we are deserving of something. It takes humility to say "I'm sorry" is enough. It takes even more humility to forgive without an "I'm sorry."

Repentance

During some of the rough conversations I had with members of my church in the past couple weeks, we talked alot about Christ's stance on forgiveness, but not alot about repentence. People often remind us that Christ died for our sins while we were still sinners as motiviation for forgiveness, but we aren't pardoned until we confess His name and repent. This is why humbling ourselves is so cruicial. We have to truly get to a place where we actually feel apologetic about what we have done and/or the pain we caused.

Reconcile

In my scenario, I feel like what I said was respectful, necessary, and done in the appropriate time/place. Am I sorry that the other person felt hurt in the process? Unfortunately the answer is no. A hit dog will holler. When we are confronted with out own biases, faults, and shortcommings, our reaction is often to be defensive and get offended. That's what I felt happened in the exchange. So how then do I go about reconciling with this person? When speaking with the leadership of the church about it, the person said reconciliation didn't mean apologizing. I'm not sure I agree with their assessment, especially since I've never had a conversation with this person otherwise.

What Does Reconcile Mean?

Reconciliation means "the restoration of friendly relations."[1] This implies that there was a friendly relationship in the begining. I find this point interesting because we often forget that when we talk about reconciliation in the context of Matthew 5 and Matthew 18, we're supposed to be talking about our brothers and sisters in Christ—those we actually have relationship with. You can not be restore friendly relations to someone you were simply neuteral about. Now, one could argue that in cases such as my own, reconciliation would mean to get back to that neutral.

Refusal of Reconciliation

We're not all on the same spiritual level. Some of us are moved by the Holy Spirit to reconcile, and some are not inclined to reconcile at all. Many (maybe even most) of us, are somewhere in between. Often I am aware that conversations should take place and I the desire to attempt reconciliation, but I may not be ready to budge. There will be times when people will refuse to listen or speak to you. Sometimes it will come to a stalemate.

Responsibility

I often ask God what our true responsibility is in reconciliation. Sometimes, conflict exists over the dumbest things (for a great example, see my podcast episode Misunderstandings). However, sometimes the conflict is legitimate. In Matthew 18, it even says that if after carrying the matter through propper channels the issue still exists, the person becomes as a stranger to you. It doesn't guarantee reconciliation. There are at least two points of contention I've been involved in where I feel as though I did the right thing—the example shared being one of them. In both cases the other person adamantly disagrees. At least one of them desires an admission of wrong doing and an apology, but you shouldn't apologize when you aren't apologetic. You cannot restore a friendly relationship if the person is waiting for you to apologize.

So I asked myself when is it ok to stand your ground, so to speak. When am I justified in not offering and apology? Am I ever justified to not accept an apology? (Colossians 3:13) Do we have to be "friendly" in the aftermath. Biblically, we don't ever see Christ back down from the Pharisees; He does not legitimize the fact that they feel threatened by His teachings or try to soothe their ego. Yet, in Luke 7 and Luke 14, Christ is also seen breaking bread with them. What does that mean for us?

Christ tells us to forgive our brothers and sisters 70*7 times. So, when a person approaches me for forgiveness, it's pretty obvious that I'm supposed to offer it. Being friendly with that person doesn't mean being naive though. For instance, if they stole money from me, apologize, and I forgive them, that doesn't mean I'm going to leave my wallet with you when I go to the bathroom. This, while difficult, is actually the easy side of reconciliation, because at the end of the day, we can only control our own actions. When the person is unresmoreful for their actions, we have to be able to let go of anger without an admission of wrongdoing. Similarly, when someone is angry at us, we can not force them to accept an apology and we cannot force them to see things our way. This is when things get complicated.

In situations of conflixt, my suggestion would be to first pray and surrender your heart to God. Let God humble you; His Spirit will tell you if you should be remorseful. Let God be the one to decide what you should say. If both people are truly in the Spirit, reconciliation will happen. If only one person is, it's hard to say what the outcome will be, but in these scenarios, I want to be the one that came in the Spirit so I can be blameless before God. In short, our responsibility is simply to try.

References

1. "Reconciled". Merriam-Webster. visited June 13, 2020

Homesick

I was ripped from my mother's womb—
Or maybe she gave me up...

Left to fend for myself with the man who raped her
He took pleasure in breaking her,
Invaded her heart, stole the diamonds from her eyes...
Settled his debts and paid his way in her blood,
Then cast her aside to die...

He stole her from me

And I see her begin to fade...
I can't remember the sound of her laugh
The smell of her breath
The feel of her heartbeat sustaining mine...
And when I look in the mirror I see him
Because he raised me,
But to hate him is to hate me.

I have his eyes, his nose and his lips
I walk like him and talk like him
I even hate her like him...

I thought I'd lost myself, But there never was a me to lose...
I'm just a gear in a machine he'll never claim.
Set to work until my purpose runs out,
Til' my usefulness fades
And he can replace me with someone new...
Some other motherless child

I wish I could be more like her.

I wish I could dance
To the rhythm of her heartbeat
Talk, with the cadence of her walk
Smell of her favorite flowers and perfumes...
I wish I could wear those diamonds from her eyes
And look upon myself as something to pride...

I wish I could find my way home,
That is, I wish I had a home to find

It was after listening to this song that I found the words I couldn't get out.

Humanity

Wake up to the sound of hope dying,
Outrage on every side—
We're not sleeping easy tonight...
We been fighting all our existence for change

FreeImages.com/Michael Bisgaard

But each change seems to bring us back to the same
This way of life—does it make us insane?
Is everything thing we do, all in vain?
We live in a world that has this perfected,
Where 2 million votes can't get you elected,
But 1 vote can ensure you're neglected
And the issue keeps just getting deflected...
Everyone talkin' 'bout they don't see color
Pretending they got love for one another,
But got us back in the '50s before Technicolor.
Duckin' and hidin', they avoiding the question
Fueling the fire, fanning the flames of aggression
It's just a sophisticated form of oppression—
Protest or stay silent, it doesn't heal the depression.
It's a constant cycle of hurt and of pain
But people are ok with everything staying the same,
So I gave up on humans being humane.

References

1. "Mistrial declared in Michael Slager murder trial". The Week. December 5, 2016

Real Experiences for BHM 2016: Mentoring and Expectations

In Black History today: Sorry I've been gone a few days---hectic schedule. Today I want to talk about perspective and exposure as they relate to opportunity. One of the most shocking moments to occur for me was my just before my senior year of high school. I was working at the water park with several others and we were having a convo on what we were going to do after high school. I said I was going to college and get a job, that I would be somewhere else. One of the girls thought I was crazy; she remarked that it was harder than it sounded and unlikely that I would move out of my parents' house. I had never contemplated that thought that I wouldn't go to college or that after 18 I would live with my parents. That's not how I was raised. Interestingly, since graduating the longest time I've spent home was the 3 month of summer after my freshman year of college; since then 2 or 3 weeks in December is the most time I'm home.

But she was right, a lot of my peers do still live at home. Some went to college and are being hounded by Sallie Mae (that struggle is too real) others are trying to find the right path for them before jumping out of the nest. What I learned and am trying to convey is that what you are exposed to as child deeply shapes your perspective and thus your ambitions in the world. If everyone around you is surviving pay check to pay check, you it may never occur to you to go to college let alone graduate school. Or it may occur to you but you don't know how. When I told a friend I was working on a PhD in computer science, he thought it was overkill since I don't want to be a professor. His exact remark was that I would be working for people who only had a BS and was wasting my time. Yet as I scroll through the job listings for companies I want to work for most of them require at least a Master, some a PhD. His perspective is local---you probably don't need a PhD for 90% of the jobs in SC---but my perspective was that I didn't want to be in SC. These little differences have a way of shaping our paths, which is why its important to have diverse perspectives around you when you're young. Its just as important to know that if you don't make it to college that doesn't mean you're a failure as it is to know that you can go to college. This is why mentorship is so important in our community.

The media would have you believing in all kinds of foolishness about what it means to be Black, but we need to show our youth the opportunities that are abundant for them. I know most of the Divine 9 (Black Greek Letter Organizations) sponsor mentorship programs in the community. Mentorships like these are what keep kids out of the street. I also know that people like VeeAnder Mealing, Sherwin Williams, and Freddy Paige have been active in mentoring college freshmen. These mentorships have been cited in studies as the driving force in increasing the number of Black Masters and PhD recipients. Why is that important? Because the more PhDs we have in the community means the more $$$$ we have in the community. #MakeItCount #BlackHistory2016

Photocredit: ShutterStock.com/Samuel Borges

Real Experiences for BHM 2016: Experiencing Racism

Today's moment of Black History comes with a video! Be sure to watch it here before continuing on. (Sorry, since it's not mine and I can't find it on YouTube, I'm not sure how to embed it here).

Some Perspective of Racism

I learned I was Black when I was 4. The person who told me was a white girl whose mother worked with my dad. I had grown up attending preschool with the same kids whom I would eventually graduate from high school (and one in college) with. Except for me and one other girl, they were all white but it NEVER occurred to me that this was odd. I NEVER asked my parents *why* they were a different color. I NEVER asked why they had blue eyes or green eyes or blonde hair or red hair. I understood that they were people just like I was a person and that people come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors. But one day, this girl walked up to me and said "you're black and I'm white"--I took her literally and showed her crayons in the coloring box to prove that I was not black and she was not white, more like tumbleweed vs. peach, but she insisted she was white and I, black. To this day, I have no idea why she felt the need to tell me I was black...

From there it went from white people telling me I was black to white kids calling me the n-word or suggesting I "could pass" (um...if you look at me and can't tell I'm black you need to see your eye doctor) or saying I "was different and not really black" as though it was to be a compliment.

In the video shared above, two of the ladies ignore everything to argue that racism can be felt by everyone and that everyone experiences discrimination. However, even if everyone experiences discrimination, it doesn't make it right—stereotyping a bald, tatted, white guy as a skinhead is wrong, just as stereotyping a black man as a thug is wrong. One does not justify the other. The major points they are missing is how often, where, and why. Sure, we all conform to get a job, but there's a huge difference in trimming your beard or wearing clothes you wouldn't normally wear and using lye—the harsh chemical found in relaxers that not only causes hair loss but has been linked to the increased rate of fibroids in black women^[2]—to make your hair "acceptable" or lying about your name because its "too black" or simply failing to conform because you can't change the color of your skin. They miss the fact that it is completely possible to avoid minorities who have racist attitudes towards whites. I met a white girl who at 22 years old had never had a conversation with a black person until the internship company placed us in the same apartment. There were 4 of us in that apartment and I was the only black person. Had I said racist things, she still had 2 allies. When she said racist things (which she did), I was alone—as always—even the people I worked for were all white. That is why when the conversation starts about racism, it is discussed from the point of view that a white person perpetuated the act. Minorities (black, hispanic, asian, whatever) are just that, minorities; in most situations we cannot escape the person who is racist towards us because they are our teacher, the boss, the store owner, the police officer, and just as all of the whites sitting around this woman nodded or stayed silent, no one is jumping up to be our ally or reassure us that they don't agree with that person. They're saying *shrug* it happens or it's in your head. The lady who said it's about more than black and white was correct. It's also about power, about money, and about options, three things minorities are are much less likely to have. #BeAnAlly #BlackHistory2016 #MakeItCount #ListenToThoseAroundYou

References

1. "Are Racist People in Denial". via Facebook. January 7, 2016
2. Lauren A. Wise, Julie R. Palmer, David Reich, Yvette C. Cozier, and Lynn Rosenberg. "Hair Relaxer Use and Risk of Uterine Leiomyomata in African-American Women". American Journal of Epidemiology. January 10, 2012

Affirmative Action: To Stay, or Not To Stay

I remember when Abigail Fisher's story broke. I'm not much older than Ms. Fisher, so I was well aware of the stress and strain of attempting to go to college when her story broke. Her assertion that the University of Texas discriminated against her on the basis of being white was a front page headline (or at least it was all over the internet). She isn't the only one who feels like affirmative action discriminates against white people and is "reverse racism"—*rolls eyes* racism is racism people, there is no reverse racism. Now, almost 8 years later, and after graduating from a different school, her case against affirmative action is back. The Supreme Court will soon be ruling on whether to keep or end affirmative action.^{[1, 2]}

In order to explain what I think on the matter, first let me give you a bit of a back story on my own dealings with such accusations.

As a black female who attended the #1 school in my home state, I'm no stranger to the accusations against affirmative action. The first time someone accused me of getting something I didn't earn was in high school. A classmate suggested that I was informed about more scholarships because I was black and the guidance counselor was black. She didn't suggest that the scholarships were minority based, and she didn't ask if they were need based. What she also never considered was difference in GPA and difference in major. You see, she just assumed I was of equal or less intelligence, therefore we should be getting approximately the same amount of opportunities. However, on paper, we weren't equal candidates. I scored higher on the ACT. I was in the top 2% of my class, while she was only in the top 10%. I was involved in more extracurricular clubs than her, and I did more community service. Being black wasn't what gave me a leg up, but she didn't bother to investigate that far. She simply assumed I couldn't be more qualified than she was. It's disheartening to experience these types of accusations; people don't even give you a chance to speak, they just assume you're dumb because you're black. Because two black people were involved, we had to be cheating the system? Nevermind that the other guidance counselors and all of our teachers were white. No one said to the valedictorian you just got there because you were white and all of your teachers were also white.

Around the time of Ms. Fisher's case, I experienced such an accusation again. This time, a student in the cafeteria said we (the black students) were taking up the spots of more deserving white students. The student went on to say their friend didn't get accepted because they "let" us in instead. At that point (the beginning of my Junior year in college), I still had a 4.0 GPA, even as a Mathematical Sciences major. I was Vice President of a sorority, involved in community service organizations, an undergraduate teaching assistant, involved in a research project, and a part-time mentor for minority students, in addition to keeping that 4.0, but the student never asked a single question about me. The student never spoke directly to me. He simply glanced in the direction of my friends and uttered his insult. Since then, I've stopped counting the number of people who seem to think the only way a black person can achieve is through affirmative action.

The question at hand is not about me, though. It's about the general population and whether it affirmative action is necessary. There are a lot of things that effect your chances of getting into college, primarily the schools you attend for elementary, middle, and high school. These are the building blocks to your educational career; imagine, if you go to an elementary school that teaches more than the other schools, you'll be more prepared in middle school, if your middle school is above average as well, you'll be even farther ahead for high school, etc. Living in a poor school district pretty much dooms you to a second rate education. Minorities are more likely to attend these schools. Even in the case of poor families attending better funded schools, they can't always afford the same opportunities (SAT prep classes, transportation to after school activities, etc.). Another major factor is the experience and education we are judged upon. The schools I attended never taught minority lit or history. I sat in classes where students blurted out the n-word without regard, remorse, or reproach. We read books that used the n-word heavily and if a black character was present, they were a slave. Yet, I was expected to ignore the hostility, put aside my feelings, and come out with the same interpretations as the white students. I had a teacher give white students a pass on one of the few books written by a black author we were given the opportunity to read (it wasn't even required, they could have chosen a different book) due to "cultural differences"—the teacher's words, not mine—but no one cut me slack when we read the countless books about white people.  I had teachers try to change my grades, tell me I was going to end up in jail or pregnant, and refuse me (and the other black student) a textbook. If I hadn't performed at the top of the class it wouldn't have been all that shocking, nor would it have indicated my level of intelligence.

I doubt being black had anything to do with me receiving any of the opportunities I have, but I often wish affirmative action wasn't in place so I wouldn't have to continually prove myself. Though people have proven that they would doubt my abilities regardless, so I'm not sure that would solve anything. I do think that upon repealing affirmative action, the number of minorities in top colleges across the nation would drop, though not as significantly as people assume. I also think a lot of these people crying "reverse-racism" would then scream "I told you so" and neglect what's in front of them. The fact that there are a number of Blacks that have excelled and continue to excel proves that its a matter of opportunity not ability. I think without affirmative action, people would be able to see the problems in primary and secondary education more clearly. The question is, will they do anything about to fix them?

References

1. Liptak, Adam. "Supreme Court Justices’ Comments Don’t Bode Well for Affirmative Action". NY Times. December 2015
2. Glum, Julia. "Who Is Abigail Fisher? Facts About The 2015 Supreme Court Affirmative Action Case". International Business Times. December 2015

I am part of "The Problem"

Sometimes I think (and less frequently actually say) things that sound outrageous, even to me. I mull over the words that have passed through my mind, and wonder if there is any validity in the thought or if I'm just crazy. Why am I telling you this? Because what I'm about to say might sound a little crazy at first, but bear with me until the end—hopefully it won't sound crazy in the end.

Last year this time, at the university I received my B.S. from, there was outrage in the Black community over racist comments posted on social media sites. At some point a #BlackLivesMatter chalking on campus was defaced. At the end of the Fall Semester one of the predominately (possibly all) White fraternities held a #Cripmas party that many students felt was essentially a blackface party. Amid the rising racial tension, the Black Student Union, launched a petition against the school for naming its "signature" building after renowned racist Benjamin Tillman. There was a lot of discussion on the topics all of which revolve around racism and white privilege.

I have to admit, I wasn't bothered by the comments on social media, the party, or the building name. It's a predominately White institution that was just letting Black people in its doors when my dad graduated from high-school. I knew who Benjamin Tillman was when I sent in the application, and I'm willing to bet that Thomas Green Clemson, friend of Benjamin Tillman and founder of Clemson University, was not opposed to anything Tillman said about Black people. I came from a predominately White high school where I had experienced racism in various forms and I didn't expect college to be much different. Ironically, during my tenure in undergrad, I felt like I experienced much less racism than in high school.

My freshman year, my roommate, who was White, and I went to see Stomp the Yard. She was mesmerized and had tons of questions about Historically Black Colleges & Universities (HBCUs), which of course culminated in "So, why didn't you attend an HBCU?" At some point, most Blacks ask themselves if they will attend an HBCU or why they didn't go to an HBCU. There are even raging debates on (and off) line about the topic. As I see the recent posts on the issues at Howard University (like this one), a lot of thoughts resurface...

When I was in high school, I never really considered going to an HBCU, even though 90% of my family had obtained their degrees from an HBCU. Most of my aunts and uncles went to school during segregation when they didn't have any other choice, but none of them suggested I go to the schools they graduated from. I attended South Carolina State University's (SCSU) homecoming every year, even got my desire to participate in band from their marching 101, but my dad didn't want me to go there. When we went to homecoming and my dad went to show me the dorm he stayed in, it was condemned by the city. Most likely due to the financial problems the school has been having—the state tried to shut the entire school down just last year. Interestingly, as I received recruitment letters and phone calls from schools like Clemson, Duke, West Point, and Cornell, I didn't receive anything from any of the HBCUs. In March of my senior year, after I'd already been accepted to the schools I applied to, accepted admission into Clemson, picked my dorm, and received the contact information for my roommate, I met SCSU's band director at a band function. He came to talk to me about coming to SCSU to be in their band after hearing my solo, even though my band had attended that festival all 4 years I had been in high school, I'd had a solo 3 of those years, and I'd gotten "Best Solo" the previous year, their band director had never approached me before. I might have actually considered it, if he had come to me the year before—I loved SCSU's band! Another HBCU in South Carolina sent me an acceptance letter that June some time after I'd gone to orientation and picked my class schedule.  At the close of my Senior year, I knew about 20 Black classmates who were headed off to college; 3 were going to HBCUs. One of these HBCUs completely dropped the ball and screwed up one of those student's financial aid leading them to sit out a semester and eventually have to enroll at the University of South Carolina. So 10% of my Black friends left to attend an HBCU...

Our HBCUs are struggling. There was a bridge program from one HBCU and Clemson (automatically this implies that it's better to graduate from Clemson than that HBCU, which is part of the problem I'm going to get to), and almost everyone I met who came from the bridge program was struggling. They'd had 3.5s and 4.0s at the HBCU but were struggling to get a 3.0  at Clemson. People often use this as an excuse for why they attend predominately white institutions over HBCUs and HBCU alum often complain about this mentality and refute the idea that HBCUs are sub-par. I agree with the HBCU alum; I have a feeling that Clemson students who transfer to MIT would experience the same struggle. But when I read about states trying to shut down HBCUs and the problems surrounding Howard, I think about all of the aspects I've mentioned above.

What's my point and why do I sound like I'm bashing our HBCUs?  White people have #WhitePrivilege because there's nothing that requires them to interact with minorities. I've had 3 Black teachers my whole life and I've always gone to a predominately White school. Yet, I didn't have to go to Clemson where they have buildings named after klansmen and blackface parties. I could have gone to SCSU, Claflin, Benedict, or Allen—all in-state HBCUs, all currently struggling. Why is it that most of the NFL and NBA players are Black, but HBCUs are never in the bowl games or the NCAA Final Four? Why is it that old schools like Harvard are wealthy Ivy Leagues, but schools like Howard are struggling? Most successful Blacks of today, from business entrepreneurs to entertainers, civil rights leaders to your local Black doctor, received their degrees from HBCUs. We wouldn't have problems with #WhitePrivilege if we were creating #BlackPrivilege. Think about it, all the time students spend in forums and meetings discussing racist behavior on campus, they could be studying, making art, researching, solving world hunger... But a lot of us aren't going to HBCUs. I've had at least 10 Black friends graduate with a PhD in the last two years and not one of these PhDs that went on to academia took positions at HBCUs.

Photocredit: ShutterStock.com / michaeljung

Why are we not building our schools up? What if Howard had a football program as massive and recognized as say Alabama? What if all the top Black researchers were making names for themselves at HBCUs? What if these schools were top rated universities that everyone was trying to get into? Can you imagine, top 20 schools where Black people are the majority? Would we not be more accepting towards other minority groups, from our own experiences? Would we not eliminate many of the problems we face at predominately White institutions? Could we not wield such popularity to have an even greater impact in mentoring Black youth? So I ask again, why are we not building up our HBCUs?

The False Calm

I turn away,
But the vision is still there—
I close my eyes,
But they still see...
I try to wrap myself
In a silk cocoon
Fade away into natures arms,
But these bullets pierce
The strongest of walls
This silence breaks
The hardest of hearts...
A metaphorical calm before the storm
When the streets run red with blood
Drained from brown and black bodies
And the very last breath is a cry for help
But the ears of the masses are turned away
They expect us to wait and wait, day after day
To die and to cry, to lay souls resting in the deep
Not to wake screaming from the nightmares we keep
Only to realize we were never asleep...

#CharlestonStrong

Stained glass and mournful cries

Clapping and stomping, songs begin to rise

The bellow of the organ fills the room—

Beauty grows from sorrow and doom.

Still the body when the breath is gone

When the soul has left its Earthly home,

Sleep, be still, peace comes in the coming days

While we live on, stand strong, hold on to faith.

References

1. Melanie Eversley. "9 dead in shooting at black church in Charleston, S.C.". USA Today. June 17, 2015

Why I'm Tired of Being a Black Woman

In school they teach you that if you work hard you can be whatever you want. And I did work hard...

I was on the honor roll every semester—I don't think I got a grade below 90% until my Junior year in college. I didn't let it effect me when my teacher said Black people had babies and went to jail. I masked my trauma when they took us to a plantation, showed us the slave quarters, and all my White classmates pointed out that's where I would have been. I worked harder for every nitpick my teachers could come up with, and I ignored the "speak-for-your-entire-race" questions I received on a regular basis. I curtailed my temper so that I didn't react violently to racial slurs or microaggressions, and I mastered the art of self-confidence so that no matter how alone I was, I didn't feel bothered. And then I went to college...

College: where people asserted that I'd only gotten there because of my skin color. Where groupmates would ignore my correct solution for hours because they assumed I was incompetent. Where I kept a 4.0 GPA in Mathematical Science minoring in Computer Science for 3 years, but people wanted to know how I got a scholarship and what sport I played. But I did the work, I learned the material, I earned the grades, and then I went to grad-school...

People said I got there because I was Black, too. They also said I the only reason I had a high GPA and made it through the sciences was because I was a woman. They told me I either cried or slept with my professors to get the grades. But I didn't waste my time arguing, I had code to write—every line of code I wrote fit perfectly in a project, and every project I turned in worked perfectly. When my group wouldn't listen to my suggestions, then bailed on their broken mess, I spent Thanksgiving creating a working project from scratch; but when I told the TA they didn't help, he didn't believe me. Even when they couldn't explain a single thing about the project they got As and I still got an A-.

Then today, at a presentation of giving presentations, the presenter at the company I'm interning for commented on the credibility of presenters by saying:

"If you are a woman you will be seen as less credible. Also, if you are a different race than the execs, you will be seen as less credible. So, minorities will have to work harder. But don't worry, once you've proven your credibility you will be OK for future presentations."

And I almost walked out of the room.

Photocredit: ShutterStock.com/mikeledray

I know this; I've been living this reality for 26 years and 364 days. I was livid that she—yes, the presenter was also female, though not a minority—had the audacity to nonchalantly mention that after having to prove myself over and over and over and work harder and harder and harder, people still wouldn't take me seriously like it was ok, no big deal. She wasn't upset. She wasn't bothered. She didn't think there needed to be reform in the company, she thought I (and all the other minorities and women) needed to work even harder to make myself credible for people who've been viewed as credible their whole lives regardless of what level of work they put into it. I wanted to explode, because I'm tired.

I've been working hard all my life. I'm two feet away from a doctorate. And it'll never be enough.

Something Dash American

Most American who aren't White (though some that are, like Arabs) are labeled "something-American." Personally, the idea only makes sense to me for people who have lived in and/or hold dual citizenship for America and another country, but if a person was born and raised in America, why should they have to hyphenate their status as American? No one refers to Whites as European-American or French-American  or Irish-American, etc.  To me this is just an example of where White is considered normal and everything else abnormal. I get being proud of your ancestry—we all should be—but why do have to add qualifiers to our Americanness? As an I-can't-even-count-the-number-th generation American who grew up around other I-can't-even-count-the-number-th generation Americans, it wasn't until I was surrounded by people who weren't American that I realized how much I was conditioned to believe I was Black or African-American instead of just American. I didn't identify as American at all and much of what they considered "American" was "White." I was shocked how many people asked me where I was really from, but the real eye opener came from a single conversation.

Shutterstock.com/Blend Images

I was at lunch with a group of friends once, and somehow we came to the topic of the offensiveness of the word "twinkie" (in the context of referring to an "Asian-American" person). The question was directed at my friend who is Chinese (actually from China, not "Chinese-American"), but she had never heard the word. Another friend, who was White-American, explained that twinkie meant "Asian or yellow"—which I would think is offensive enough, right there—"on the outside and American on the inside." When I pointed out that she must have meant white on the inside, she simply stared at me. I don't know if she was speechless at realizing she had just implied that White = American or if she was confused. So I elaborated by pointing out that just as Asian are subjected to words like twinkie, Blacks (or African-Americans) who "act White" are often called oreos. If we were born in America, how can we act American? We are American—I got the long form birth certificate to prove it!

I know that there are debates in the Black/"African-American" community on which is preferred (you can probably guess which side I'm on), but what about everyone else? Do you care? Is it something you've ever noticed or had experiences related to how people label you? Let us know your preferences and why.

Why Don't You Call Yourself African-American?

Of course I'd pick a picture of her sporting
her natural curls! Image from Essence

A Slave to Being Black

To label a Negro, devoid of rights
Call him Colored and bar him from entry
Remind the African-American
     of roots he'll never reclaim
Or misclassify him as Black
     when Black doesn't even exist...
Will you continue to diminish him
Chain him to petty expectation...

If a rose--by any other name--is still sweet,
Is a nigger, by another name, still a slave?

Am I an African-American?

Raven-Symoné received a lot of backlash after making the comment that she wasn't African-American last year (see the video clip here). Later she clarified her statement by pointing out that she never said she wasn't black and made it clear that her rejection of the term African-American was based on the fact that she grew up in Louisiana, not Africa (read the article here). I agreed with this sentiment long before I heard Raven-Symoné's interview--all the way back in 12th grade, when I lost points for referring to myself as black instead of African-American in a paper.

Race labeling in America is a weird and strange phenomenon. There's the obvious problem for people who are multiracial; a girl I went to high school with used to use eeny-meeny-miney-moe to check boxes on forms. Many people who are multiracial feel pressured to check "Black/African-American" for fear of being accused of passing or considered a sell-out. But that brings us to the question of why there is a label at all.

A History of Labels Refering to Black Folk

When Africans, from various tribes and countries from the continent of Africa (it's very important that people realize Africa is a continent, not a country) arrived in this country, they were labeled as slaves. By the late 1700s, the term nigger (referred to as the n-word from here on out) became common slang. It is thought that this word is from the latin niger, which means black (Niger is also a country in Africa, for those who don't know, but it wasn't called Niger until the 1950's). Another assumption is that the n-word developed out of the southern mispronunciation of Negro. Regardless of origin, it has always been used as a derogatory term (no, I do not agree with black people presently referring to themselves and their fellow blacks as the n-word or other variations, yes that may be a post later in the month) [1, 2]. The first politically correct term given for people of African descent in America was Negro. This term was used until the 1970s and Lyndon B. Johnson was the last president to publicly refer to blacks as Negroes [3]. During the Jim Crow South, the term "colored" was used to promote segregation. The level of offensive-ness of this term is dependent upon the person being spoken to. Many find the term colored to be both out-dated and offensive, due to its ties to the pre-civil rights era treatment of blacks in the US, while others simply find it out-dated. CNN made video on why the term colored is offensive which can be viewed here. Afro-American became popular in the 1970's, eventually phasing into today's politically correct term African-American.

Problems with the Labels

In terms of choosing a label, or identifying the most with a particular label, I choose black; everything I know about Africa I read in a book. I have no knowledge of who, when, or where my roots to Africa come from. This information is lost for most blacks with slave ancestors. Besides if I was born and raised in America, why should I have to check these sub-categories that imply I'm only partially American (this also goes for Asian-American, Indian-American, etc)? Whites don't have to say European-American, they're just American... Furthermore, the creation of these labels served to separate people. The purpose of a label is to categorize, and both "Black" and "African-American" are labels. Perhaps one day, I can be darker and you can be lighter, but instead of categorizing us this and that we can just be two people. The day that people stop categorizing people will be the day racism ends. 

Read the Follow-up Post

• The Black Identity

References

1. "The Origin of The N-Word". Random House Dictionary; visited 2015
2. Phil Middleton and David Pilgrim. "Nigger (the word) a Brief History". African American Registry; visited 2015
3. "Negro (the word) a History". African American Registry; visited 2015
4. Raven Symoné. Raven-Symoné: "I'm Tired of Being Labeled"". Oprah Winfrey Network, via YouTube. October 5, 2014
5. Emilee Lindner. "Raven-Symoné Responds to Oprah Interview Backlash: 'I Never Said I Wasn't Black'". MTV News. October 28, 2014
6. Nima Elbagir. "Why "Colored" is an Offensive Term". CNN. January 27, 2015

The Lost Dream

A Person Reflection on a Dream Deferred

I am not like them--

For they are not like me,

We are different

We are not the same.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day always brings up memories of of the past. For some, like my parents who were teenagers during Dr. King's era, the past is over 60 years ago.  For others, like the parents of Michael Brown, the past is only yesterday. Every year, on this day, the past I am taken to is high school--2002 through 2006. I call it The Time of the Lost Dream. During this period of my life, I just wanted to graduate and leave. Perhaps I thought the life of a black girl was different outside of a small town in South Carolina, or perhaps I was just tired of worrying about a situation that seemed unchangeable. Regardless of my reasoning, I had zero motivation to address or deal with the people around me.

My memories of high school are littered with subtle racism. It takes a great deal of effort for me to remember the good, and on days like today its nearly impossible. I remember white peers wanting to do away with Black History Month because "[they felt] bad" and it made "[them] sad to hear that [their] ancestors had done such things." The fact that the deepest we ever dove into the topic was to say there were white and colored only signs on everything, must have escaped them; I'm sure if we'd discussed tarring and feathering, lynching, the fact that a white man cut off my great uncle's ear for speaking to a white woman, or the hate crimes of today, they would have had to bring in psychologists for counseling. I remember my American English teacher telling my white classmates not to worry that they didn't understand Go Tell It On The Mountain by James Baldwin, citing "cultural" differences when they begged her not to fail them on an assignment. The facts that it was one of three books we could choose to read individually, that they could have stopped reading and chosen another book when they realized they didn't understand the first, nor that they would only be required to read three books by and/or about non-white people from kindergarten all the way through graduation, clearly did not influence my teacher's point of view. I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that they were always shown mercy for not understanding black culture, but I was alway expected to understand theirs. That's what high school taught me: white culture is American culture, black culture is something else, and to succeed, you need know American culture.

Where are the black authors

The inventors, the chefs, the teachers?

There were civil rights leaders

There were civil rights survivors...

The fall I started college, I went to see Stomp the Yard with my white roommate. She thought the movie was the most awesome thing she'd ever seen and wanted to know why Greek life at our school wasn't like that. I came away from the movie wondering why I hadn't chosen to go to an HBCU (historically black college or university), a feeling waxed and wanned until it came back stronger than ever upon viewing The Great Debaters. I wanted a teacher to tell me to read W.E.B. DuBois or Frederick Douglass as an assignment. I was sick of hearing that Langston Hughes was the only black man to write something worth reading. I was tired of Black History consisting of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King—or rather Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. What about everything else he said? What about everyone else? While the legacy of these people is great, I felt that what was being taught was that we, as a race, did not exist outside of black issues. We were either slaves fighting for freedom, or freed slaves fighting for rights. Lost in translation were all the people leading successful lives despite their lack of rights.

In church—a black Baptist church, that is—we learned about George Washington Carver, Booker T. Washington, Mary McLeod-Bethune, Madam CJ Walker, and other influential black people before and during the civil rights movement, but it even in my own community, Black History is treated as though it ended with the death of Dr. King. 

In the aftermath of wars fought
When the dust settles,
Clouds are swept away by wind
And the survivors go on.

Every year, not just on MLK Day, I wonder what would have happened had he not been assassinated. Would we have been closer to his dream? Would I look back on high school the way I do? There are many blacks succeeding around the country, from the highly publicized entertainers (although sometimes we'd like to pretend they don't exist), to the unknown CEOs. There are black Greek organizations doing community service as I write these words, yet the news only wants to cover them if they're on trial for hazing. There are black men in college and mentoring young children, but the only people they want to show are athletes and thugs. We had a channel of our own, where we could have highlighted the good that we do, where we could have told our history, promoted the reading of black literature, and reminded the world that we didn't just disappear when Dr. King died; but Bob Johnson sold it to VIACOM! After President Obama was elected, white conservatives (and even a few liberals) were saying they needed to "take back the country." I think we need to take back our history and teach it right. The fight did not die with Dr. King. We did not die with Dr. King. The dream did not die with Dr. King.

In a box they may try to place us
By labels they try to define,
And though I reject this oppression
My history will not be washed away.

When we can learn about the good (and bad) in every culture freely, when people are not stepping on glass so as not to disturb the "peace" and all cultures can see similarities in their differences, we will be able to see each other instead of colors. Our differences make us individuals, our similarities make us human and when we can finally see our similarities, our differences will not drive us apart. I once gave up on Dr. King's dream, because I gave up on people. Everyday I meet people of all colors and creeds that remind me there are people working for the dream and everyday I meet people of all colors and creeds that remind me exactly why I gave up on people in the first place. But if Dr. King had given up on us all, the world would not be the world we live in today; it may not be perfect, but its progress and even if one step further is all I can contribute while I'm alive, I'll do all that I can to make that step.  

Differences don't have to drive us apart
And similarities don't have to bond
The respect that I am and that you are
Is all the air we need to breathe.

Days

Every day
You wake up, get out of bed
You're just trying to live life
And every day
Something happens
Something grabs you--
Makes you realize, every day
The world isn't changing
The world is standing still.
And every day
Truth is something you don't want to hear,
Truth is something that always hurts
Because every day
Human beings are not acting like
Human beings are expected to behave
And every day
Mankind is ok with killing
Mankind is ok with doing the wrong thing.
Every day
Lessons are not learned from the past
Lessons are reactive and not proactive...
Because every day
We grow further apart
We grow in stubbornness
And every day
Is a day we can't get back
Is a day we didn't move forward.

Excuses Are Tools of the Incompetent

Failure

A house made of thin glass—

I can see straight through it,

Shatter every brick with a single blow,

It is unstable, an excuse:

It will get you no where,

Will do you no good...

You appear the fool

For claiming this monstrosity

Shoddy architecture and crumbling walls

The world only sees a failure

And attaches your name.

What Are Excuses?

One of the first things you learn when you go about joining a BGLO is what an excuse is. There are many versions of the definition Greeks learn, but they all say the same thing, and once you learn the definition, you will be taught that there are no excuses. There is simply a completed task or an uncompleted task. During your process, it's annoying, but once you're on the other side, it's something that really gets you to focus your time management skills. When you have exams, homework, projects, obligations from other organizations, chapter meetings, chapter events, step practice, new member processes, community service, and you're supposed to be attending other organizations events to show support, it's easy to start prioritizing and give excuses for why the things on the bottom of the list didn't get done. "I didn't come to step practice because I had a test." "I didn't do well on the test because I went to step practice." 

And right after you articulate this, someone is likely to say to you "what are excuses?" Your chapter isn't going to take excuses for why you missed chapter events, practices, etc. This makes the chapter weak and possibly makes them look bad. On the flip side, you're in college to be a student and there are GPA requirements for Greek organizations so the chapter doesn't want you dropping your grades either (granted this is a point of contention in some chapters—as I said in a previous post, these points are only valid if you join a chapter that has their stuff together). This leaves you in the position of learning to manage your time accordingly. You need to be able to successfully dedicate your time to everything you are required to do.

On top of time management, you learn honesty. You learn to say "I didn't finish this because I didn't allot enough time for it" or "I messed up in the show because I didn't practice enough." You can't improve yourself when you blame your short comings on things that are not the problem. When you say "I was sick" but really you just had a minor headache, you're wasting your own time. If you can realize that you failed because you didn't try hard enough or you didn't manage your time wisely, you can correct your problem. If you didn't show up because so-and-so didn't remind you, you imply that it's so-and-so's responsibility to make sure you know your schedule. Eliminating excuses ensures that you recognize two important things: 1) the task did not get completed and 2) it is you who did not complete it. This puts a lot of things into perspective. There are no excuses for failing, it may mean saying no to certain things, working harder, staying up later/waking up earlier, but at the end of the day, it has to be done. Looking at life this way definitely improved my focus as well as my time management skills; everything has to get done and everything has to be completed to a quality standard. 

What Greek Life Did For Me

One of the most common questions that often leads to heated debates stems from the relevancy of participating in Greek life. Often, as I speak to non-Greeks, their big question is why they should join a Greek letter organization and what it will do for them that they can't get from joining other organizations. I often have more answers than I can cohesively and concisely explain in a short time. Now that it is the season of new member presentations, a lot of young new Greeks will be stepping into a world they didn't know they were signing up for and sparks of interest will start to stir in some non-Greeks. Therefore, I though I'd take the time to shed some light on what type of personal growth I experienced as a result of being a member of my organization.

Posts for each of the 7 aspect of Greek Life that contributed most to who am I now are linked below for easy access.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward

Joining a BGLO forces you to take note of how other people view you. Your actions reflect your organization (and possibly other BGLOs), thus you are expected to act accordingly. Being mindful of how your actions are viewed by external parties is not just helpful for the image of your organization but for you as an individual as well... Read more

Mastering the Art of Public Speaking

Many times as a Greek you may be forced in the spotlight, but no spotlight is brighter than the new member presentation. Introducing yourself to campus this way is quite the jolt in public speaking lessons... Read more

Leading the Way

While a BGLO is not the only place for you to find topics you are passionate about to drive you into leadership positions, it is definitely chock full of opportunities. At the very least, if you join a small organization you will automatically be placed in leadership positions and if you join a large organization you acquire the voting power to win elections in other organizations... Read more

Excuses Are Tools of the Incompetent

Eliminating excuses ensures that you recognize two important things: 1) the task did not get completed and 2) it is you who did not complete it. This puts a lot of things into perspective... Read more

Creating Bonds

The people in your organization become your extended family—you might not like all of them and some of them will probably embarrass you. However, they're always there when you need them. It's great to have friends; but it's also great to know that while I'm 2 hours away from my nearest non-soror friend, I have plenty of sorors around that I can count on like family. That's what you get when you join a BGLO, not a few friends, not a network, but a family... Read more

The Little Details of the Big Picture

Knowing how to plan for a small organization is more useful than knowing how to plan for a large organization in the sense that you can carry these traits over and they will still be advantageous. Large organizations have bigger budgets, so you may not have to scrape and find deals to afford everything you want/need. Large organizations also come with more advertising; you may not have to learn how to market your event without the aid of an advertising budget. When you can't hire a professional designer for your flyers or a professional cameraman for your promo videos, you have to learn to make quality advertisement pieces on your own. All of this comes in handy as you continue on in life... Read more

How High Will You Jump?

When you interview with a company, they want to see how much research you've done on them, how bad you want to work for them, what you bring to the table, and how much you are willing to give to mold yourself into what the company wants. Greek life is no different. While those who feel they should not have to "work" to join the organization grumble over the idea of being taken out of their comfort zone, those of us who have been there see it for exactly what it is: an interview... Read more

Just Yesterday

Strange how we forget
Just yesterday it was us--
Just yesterday I was not allowed
I was denied the right to be

If you grew up in the US, attended elementary, middle,
and high  school in the states, why shouldn't you be able to
attend college in the states? Read more here.

And I all I wanted, was to live...
Just yesterday, it was my family
Denied their humanity,
Pushed aside and suppressed
Simply to aid someone else's ambition
And we didn't even want their throne,
We just wanted to live...
It wasn't long ago, just yesterday
When we were all running
All searching for a place to hide
Stumbling on each other
Fighting each other, killing each other
For the same chance--
Somehow at the end of the war
At the end of the race
We were all still standing here
Reminiscing on yesterday
When there was want
And we forget
That yesterday for us
Is today for someone else.

Goodbye, February:

Spotlight on Us

Black history covers a wide range of fields and subjects, from doctors and lawyers to surfers and ballerinas, inventors and politicians. Just like every other race, black people are diverse in interest and accomplishment. The blacks featured here for the past month illustrate not only how blacks have affected society but the power of inner-strength. Many of the men and women discussed this month were born in an era when being black was a crime enough and punishable by death. Some of these people were born slaves, others confined by the Jim Crow laws of the south.

Picture from Black Enterprise

This not only means people expected them to continue with the status quo, but that it was illegal for them to go against the grain.Others featured this month are part of the newer generation. Unfortunately, they still face the same discriminatory attitudes our forefathers endured, but thanks to those older men and women, many changes have been made to the justice system which allow them (us) more freedom in obtaining their (our) goals.

Growing up, I was amazed that my grandmother—a black woman with no more than an 8th grade education—and my grandfather—a black man born in 1903 and raised in the south—could work hard enough to buy land and houses. The fact that they could raise 5 children and send them to college, even though they probably couldn't help with homework or college applications was a resounding message to me. As a child I would look up at my parents and my aunts and uncles of whom very few ever attended a desegregated school, yet they were still able to became successful businessmen/women, educators, doctors, etc. I know they went through struggles, from the stories of their childhood to the look in their eyes, and all of the problems I've experienced in life—racial or otherwise—seem pale in comparison. I had teachers tell me I couldn't achieve something, but it's never been illegal for me to try. I've had people call me the n-word, but I've never had to actually give up my seat for that person...

Our struggles are far from over and  it often feels like little or no progress has been made, but those of us lucky enough to be here now enjoy freedoms our ancestors didn't have. It's amazing how much a person can accomplish when they refocus their minds from negative to positive. Whether you're taking a chance on something you love that's seen as a "white" activity, bridging the gap between races, furthering your education, or doing something else entirely, remember that just because you have to struggle to achieve doesn't mean you can't achieve a victory. These people did, and both the cards and the law were stacked against them. If they can overcome obstacles, so can we. An easy victory may be easy, but a hard fought victory is worth so much more.

Dignity and pride are two traits these people all have in common from their struggles. When I'm gone, I hope someone will say the same about me because we are the future. We are the ones that can change the curriculum to make history inclusive. We are the ones that can change how we are viewed. We are the ones that can achieve the highest goals. We are the ones people will talk about. It's up to us to remember, to understand, and to move forward.

Keepin' It 100:

Spotlight on the One-Drop Rule

Black faces all around me,
From coffee to the color of sand
A rainbow shining through eyes
Blue, green, bright shimmering brown,
Short 'fros, locks, curls, and waves--
Pin my face in this sea of faces,
Do I look the same?
I am them; we are the same...
Past the eye's limited view
Internally and emotionally we are
Connected the same...
A few percents here and there
Unknown variables and equations,
Since when is algebra the definition of me?
Questions of lineage and descent
Overshadowing the here and now
One drop, one box
An argument for the ages
Who is the blackest box?
Simplify your equations,
Ignore or solve for the unknowns--
It's a personal choice.
But a personal choice is a public face
And I wonder if you already assume,
Why do I check this box...
Maybe I fudge the math
Make it add up to 100--
Maybe I don't want to exist outside the box
Or, maybe I do,
But what does that mean to you?

What is the One Drop Rule

The "One-drop rule" became legal in 1910, with questionable origins rooted in American slavery and proclaimed anyone with African ancestry was to be considered black or African-American (funny, considering science has proven we are all from Africa...).  This "rule" of identification has propagated through time, leaving quite the confusion surrounding the definition of black. Upon meeting someone of black and white ancestry, most likely they will identify as black, possibly biracial but it is very unlikely that they would identify as white (that would be considered passing). Most blacks (Americans in general actually) are probably multi-racial with African, European, and Native-American ancestry. This mixture is the reason the image of black spans a range of features and complexions. Yet there is still an "image" that comes to mind when one identifies as black. If one does not fit that image, the typical question "What are you mixed with?" will be asked. Due to the one-drop rule however, a person could easily have no knowledge of non-black ancestry and be genetically biracial. Step back into the era of slavery. Many slave master had children with their slaves, but these children were still black. If two biracial slaves had children, their children would have been considered black, but they too would have biracial DNA. And if those children married someone of similar origin... Easily these traits could be passed   down several generations without another "white" addition to the family. This leads to numerous people who may not "look black" but are adamant that they are black. It also leads to multi-ethnic people who feel pressured to identify one way or the other. At the end of the day, the one-drop rule makes us all black. Otherwise, the term is quite subjective and dependent on both how the world perceives a person and how how the person perceives themself. 

References

1. F. James Davis. "Who is Black? One Nation's Definition". PBS.
2. Jason Plak. "The One Drop Rule: How Black Is 'Black?'". Psychology Today. April 7, 2011
3. Sarah Barness. "Striking Photos Challenge The Way We See Blackness". Huffington Post. February 13, 2014
4. Steve Bradt. "One Drop Rule Persists". Harvard Gazette. December 9, 2010
5. Shifting the Lens on Race". 1ne Drop; visited February 2014

Be You, Do You, Love You

I woke up thinking, why am I here?
I woke up thinking, I must be crazy...
And then it dawned on me: I woke up.

It's strange how little things, simple, seemingly inconsequential things, can be so powerful. 

There was a time when I worried—rather I felt like I needed to prove myself.  The funny thing was that I didn't fully understand my own actions, or worry. I had no desire to be valedictorian or attend Harvard. Similarly, I had no desire to be "hood." Yet, I wanted it to not be a shock that I was the one who threw off the curve (which happened a lot more often than my classmates realized—*insert evil laughter*) or have people saying to me "well they just considered you because of affirmative action." Pardon the conceit, but I knew I was smart—I knew I deserved every A and every scholarship I received. I knew it, but I wanted everyone else to know it. So I was determined to be great at everything—great above and beyond expectation. Mangled in that storm was the desire to not be the white sheep at the black sheep party. I didn't want to be the out of the loop, not "black enough" oddball, who people said didn't count because I wasn't from where they were from, and I wasn't dark enough to stand out in the pictures, and I didn't always like what they liked. Somewhere in the confusion, I found myself.

I was listening to Brittney Spears, Jessica Simpson, et. al, when I hung out with my classmates and I was going to the movies with those friends to see Phantom of the Opera and Finding Neverland. At the same time I'm watching Friday, Barbershop, and Soul Food and listening to 112, Jodeci, Snoop Dogg (pardon: Snoop Lion). I was reading the books the teacher assigned, but I was also reading Toni Morrison, Alice Walker, Maya Angelou, Jean Toomer, Countee Cullen... But I was mad. I was pissed off that I couldn't just be there without people having something to say. I was angry that people seemed to think these things polar opposites, two ends of a Black and White spectrum that was missing the gray in the middle. Why should I have to do the most to be both intelligent by my own right, not a sell out, and culturally aware? Every conversation was a reminder of what people expected of me in contrast to who I really was.

Sometimes, I woke up thinking, why bother?

Interestingly enough, I found that I find interesting things in all genres. My playlist ranges from classical to gangsta rap, from country to neo-soul, from reggaeton to rock. My DVD collection spans from Disney to Underworld, from LOTR to Mean Girls, from Tyler Perry to Sex in the City, from Anime to the Fast and the Furious. Let's not even venture in to the span of books (too many of those to process). That's who I always was—in a way I was searching for balance, but in another way, I was just doing what I wanted to do. What made me angry was people not understanding me—assuming I should choose. Then I came to resent people in general—sometimes I still do.

I'm hard on people; I'm often told I have no sympathy and that I don't know what it's like. They're right; I don't have sympathy—I have empathy. I've been at that point where you just want to stop and sit, press pause and disappear. Unfortunately, I also know that no one can move you but you. And I know, it was the little things that made me happy. Knowing that I was alive. Seeing the sun after a rainy day. Watching baby squirrels. Being able to stand close to hummingbird. A few good friends. Smiles from strangers. Random acts of kindness. I realized that when I focused on the good things and when I focused on doing positive things—none of the other stuff mattered.

I read these articles about youth committing suicide and bullying—yes a part of me is saying "Man up!" but another part is crying for them. I just want to say you don't have to walk into walls; you can take a left or a right--heck you can make a U-turn if you want. There will always be bad things, but there will always be good things as well. Find something good and enjoy it. If you can't find it, make it (I guarantee there's someone else looking for some good and fun too)!