Stressed?

Too blessed to be stressed? It has a nice ring to it, but sometimes the devil catches me slipping. This week, I had to step back and remind myself that God is the one making moves, not me. Proverbs 16:3 took me back to a time when I understood that very well and I want to keep that understanding alive.

Season 1 Episode C

Commit your activities to the Lord,
and your plans will be established.
Proverbs 16:3 CSB

00:00:56	Hey guys! Welcome back to the PSALMS to God podcast! Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit your activities to the Lord, and your plans will be established." I think we all know this; we've heard it—we even say this to other people. But when it comes down to the moment, it's hard. It's hard to just let things go and assume that they're going to happen. We get stressed out, we worry, we panic, and you know, we take years off of our lives worrying about things—and half the time the things don't even matter.
00:01:28	That's what I've been doing this week. Even though I know better—I know way better—but this week... Y'all, it was a week. It was a long week, and I didn't know if I was going to make it to the end of this week. So at my job—I'm a software engineer, for those of you who don't know—it is deadline week, and one of the things that was due this week was a major defect with one of the features that I developed. This defect was found sometime in December, it's kind of been lingering since just before the holidays, but I was pretty convinced that I knew what was wrong with it and that it wasn't going to be that hard to fix. So I made the promise that I would have it done by today so that they could move forward with the next phase next week. When I made that promise, one of the things I did not know was that one of the experts in the area that I was working in at my job was going to be gone for 2 weeks. So a lot of things that could have been solved just by asking him a question, took me in a days of Googling and researching to figure out. So for the past couple of weeks I've been, you know, kind of ticking away at this problem, and pretty much all of the assumptions I made were correct. What I thought was wrong was what was wrong. How I thought we should solve it is how we ended up solving it. But just the whole timeline was way off; I was way off of that math.
00:03:23	So this past week—because I wanted to be true to my word (the Bible also says "let your yeses be yes and your no's be no"[1] when it comes to promise.) I made a promise, kind of bound to keep the promise, so I was like let me stay and get this done. Usually, I work from 7:30 to 4:30 I've been working from 7:30 to 7:00 7:30 to 7:30. Last night, I worked from 7:30 to 8:30,[2] and that was not fun. I know the nurses out there can testify to this, 'cause y'all work 12-hour shifts all the time, and I don't know how y'all do it—so shout out to y'all for being troopers and taking care of us, even the crazy people. I don't know how y'all do it.
00:04:14	But this week, on top of putting in all of this extra time to try to get this defect resolved, I have been so stressed out about it. Like, there's just something about doing all this makes you tense. I was...my temper was short. I was stressed out. I didn't really want to take the time to eat properly. I didn't really relax. I haven't slept well. It's just been a rough week.
00:04:45	I felt bad about it, because I knew I shouldn't be worrying. I kept telling myself "Shiree, you're not supposed to worry! There are plenty of passages in the Bible that say do not worry. We are not created to worry. God is in charge of everything, why are you worrying?" And yet, I kept worrying&mdas;No matter how many times I told myself not to.
00:05:06	So, I don't know if it was Wednesday or if it was yesterday—things are kind of blurring together at this point—but at some point, I stopped and started reading Bible verses about stress in the Bible.[3] and one of the verses I came to was this particular verse. And what's funny is when I read this verse, even though I already knew what the verse said, and I already knew that I shouldn't be worrying, and I felt bad about worrying, this verse brought to me a memory—a memory that I should have thought of from the jump, because it's one of the reasons that I know this verse is true. I don't just "believe" that God will establish any of your plans when you take it to Him and give it to Him, I know this.
00:05:58	And the reason I know this is because three years ago, I was in the middle of my Ph.D program. I was working on the sensors that—I was creating a device using sensors—and the sensors I was using we're not working the way they were supposed to. I could not get them to behave according to the specification, and it wasn't my code, or at least it didn't seem like it was my code. I couldn't figure out the issue. My advisor couldn't figure out the issue. The other students in my lab couldn't figure out the issue. We called the manufacturer of the sensor; they couldn't figure out the issue. They had never seen it behave that way. They had absolutely no idea what was wrong with it. They almost thought that the part was fried for a minute. And after beating my head up against the wall for, I don't know maybe 2 months, trying to fix this sensor and get it to work the way I wanted it to work, I was just defeated. I went home one day—I was completely deflated. I was ready to quit the program. I was ready to give up. I just did not want to go back and do it again; I did not want to try anymore. I... I was done, and when I went to bed that night, I stopped to pray.
00:07:23	And I was talking to God, and I was just venting all of my frustration. And I surrendered it. You know, I was like, there's only two things that can be happening in this situation: either God was telling me to stop, and He was saying, "This is not for you. This is not what I want you to do," and God was closing that door. If God was closing that door, then nobody can open it, because God is the highest authority and if God doesn't want me to do it, I'm not going to do it. It's just not going to happen, and so I was saying a prayer for that scenario and if that was the case. You know, I was like I accept it and I will move on. But the other side of the coin was it could have just been the devil being the devil, and just trying to get me to doubt God. Trying to get me to doubt myself. Trying to make me frustrated and to do something that God did not want me to do, and in that scenario I prayed that God would stop the devil from doing what he was doing. Because God has the ultimate say, and the devil can only do what God allows him to do. So, I was venting my frustrations and I was saying "if this is for me, if you want me to do this, I need you to tell the devil to sit his butt down, because I just cannot fight this battle anymore."
00:08:41	And the very next day, when I went in to the lab, I figured out the answer in like an hour and a half—or rather I should say God told me the answer within an hour and a half. It was solved. He not only showed me what was wrong with it, He told me how to fix it, and suddenly it wasn't a problem anymore. I was done. From that moment on, I knew that God was in my corner for that degree, and it gave me the confidence to basically assert that I was not going to collect data for my research over the Sabbath, and that was a big deal because my advisor is not religious. And within the scientific community, they don't really care about beliefs. They care about numbers and science and what you can prove. Saying, "I'm not going to collect data on this day because God told me to rest on this day" is not really a scientific explanation, it's not really acceptable explanation.[4] So I was... When I was pitching this, I didn't really know how this would go over in terms of publishing papers, even if my advisor said "fine, okay"—'cause you also have to publish papers—but it turned out absolutely fine, because when you "commit your activities to the Lord your plans will be established." It's written in His Word, and I committed those plans to Him and He established them, and that's how I graduated.
00:10:17	And so this week when I was banging my head against the wall, trying to keep this promise that I probably should not have made, I knew in the back of my head that God could do it. And I needed to see this verse—this is why I'm trying to memorize some verses, so that this is on the forefront of my mind and not all the way in the back of my head somewhere—but I knew that if I would just give it to Him, then He would fix it. And like always, He fixed it. He fixed the problem. I met the deadline. My co-workers met their deadline, and everything is fine, it's great.
00:11:00	It's now the Sabbath, and it's time to rest. And to enjoy and to worship and to celebrate all that God has done this week.
00:11:10	So I wanted to share that with you guys, because I know that you guys will experience similar things and like me you'll probably forget that you already know that He will handle it. But whenever you get the chance to remember, remember Proverbs 16, particularly verse 3 but take a look at verse 4 too, and just commit the problem to God. I promise you, it will be so much easier that way.
00:11:40	So I will see you guys next time. Thank you for tuning in. Don't forget to subscribe! You can find the transcript for this particular episode at www.psalmstogod.com/stressed

Footnotes and References

1. Matthew 5:37
2. 7:30am to 8:30pm, that is
3. I'm blaming this redundancy on the lack of sleep from this week. My bad y'all
4. To them, that is. It's perfectly acceptable to me.

A Lesson in Humility

Humility, or meekness is one of the fruits of the Spirit that is really powerful when it hits you. You won't forget it once you feel it.

I've been meaning to share this post for almost 2 years, but getting the words out has been hard. I have to start by admitting that I am profusely blessed; there is no doubt in my mind that I've found favor in God's heart. My family, both immediate and extended, loves me—sure we may have our moments of craziness, but when it comes down to it, the family pulls together. I didn't have to understand adult things when I was a child; the fridge was always full, the bills were always paid, no one touched me inappropriately, the adults around me weren't struggling with addictions, etc. God gave me everything I needed for happiness and success.

Luckily, I don't think I was ever what you would call a brat, but I'm not sure I was ever truly humble, either. I was probably in middle school when I realized I was blessed to have more than some, but I still knew people who had way more than me from a monetary standpoint. While money can't buy happiness, it sure does seem to make life easier. Being in the position I was in, firmly rooted in the middle, I was content but not cocky.

The moment I became humble was 2 years ago when I first deployed my devices for the research I would go on to use for my dissertation. A device sat in the bottom of each trash can in the university cafeteria, fulfilling the purpose of measuring the food wasted by customers. My goal was not only to provide the cafeteria with a simple and efficient way to measure how much food was being wasted, but to use that data in real time to inform the student body about how much food we waste and inspire changes in behavior. The United States actually wastes 40% of the food we produce and 1 in 6 people are living with food insecurities (i.e., they aren't sure when or where their next meal will come from).[1] The premise inspired me to educate our student body. After all, if we only take what we need, we lower the demand which also lowers the cost. At the very least, we leave the food preserved so that it can be donated to food shelters at the end of the day.

I thought I was emotionally attached to the project from the get go, but it wasn't until I deployed the project that I was humbled beyond words. The first few months of the deployment were basically a disaster. Interference and poor wifi signals meant my devices couldn't connect to the base station and the base station could communicate with the server. Every day I would have to investigate why I wasn't receiving data, which often meant emptying the trash, reaching in, and checking on the device. The smell inside those trash cans was atrocious; there were many occasions when I thought I would barf. Students in the cafeteria would see me and whisper to their friends as they walked by. A few people stopped to tell me that whatever I'd dropped in there wasn't worth it, and I should just buy another one.

My heart broke. Why? Because there are people who go through garbage for real, because they have no other choice. Most of us are only a paycheck away from homelessness ourselves, and yet we stare at these people. Most of us wouldn't dig through our personal garbage, let alone a public one. There wasn't even garbage in the can while I was inside, but I could smell the rot and people thought I had lost my mind. After I was done, I would wash my hands and walk across campus wondering if I had absorbed the smell—was everyone around me thinking I smelled like garbage? Of course, I was free to get in my car, go home, and shower as many times during the day as I needed. I could change clothes and truthfully, at any point I could have said this is too much I want a different project. There are people who don't have those luxuries.

During that deployment, I found a new respect for the poor and a deeper appreciation for all God has blessed me with. It's so easy to see people with more and feel like we don't have anything, but we have far more than some. If you don't have to worry about where your food is coming from or how you're going to pay for it, you are blessed. I ask you to remember that as you prepare your meals, as you pick up food from buffets, and as you clean out your pantries. Don't just throw food away, if you can, find a food bank or soup kitchen and donate it. Don't stare or shudder at those less fortunate than us who have to wear the same unwashed clothes day after day or who are so desperate for food they'll reach in the trash for our leftovers. God called us to take care of them! It starts by humbling ourselves and realizing we are the same.

Photocredit: Unspalsh.com/Mihály Köles

References

1. Dana Gunders. "Wasted: How America is Losing up to 40 Percent of its Food From Farm to Fork to Landfill". Natural Resources Defense Council Issue Paper, August 2012. IP: 12-06-B.

The Best Worst Advice

We talk about humility a lot in church, and in theory, it's pretty simple. The worst advice I ever received, turned out to be the best advice on humility I could ever receive. I generally think of humbleness as the opposite of flashy or showy, but thanks to some advice I was given in graduate school, I've learned it's a little deeper than I thought.

In my first couple years as a graduate student, I struggled hard. I had switched majors, 90% of my professors had thick accents I could barely understand, and my classmates weren't very friendly. For the first time in my life 100% effort was earning me B's and B-'s, which is basically failing in graduate school. I was on scholastic probation for not meeting the required 3.5 GPA, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. The assignments I turned in were earning 100's and the projects I had to turn in were also earning 100's, but I could seem to get above an F on the tests. How could I do the homework and write the programs but not be able to pass the test!?

You have to figure out what you don't know, and learn it. My First Advisor

After talking to professor after professor, I finally sat down and talked to my advisor—after all that's what advisors are for, right? When I laid out my problem for him, he said to me: "You have to figure out what you don't know, and learn it." I thought perhaps he didn't understand me, so I showed him again where I'd gotten a 100 on the homework assignment I'd completed and a 100 on the project, followed by the 54 I'd received on the test. He didn't change his advice. I left the conversation angry, because I thought it was the worst advice I'd ever gotten. How in the world was I going to know I didn't know something, if I was doing fine in the class? I wasn't collaborating on the assignments (because my classmates wouldn't talk to me), so whatever I did for those came 100% from my own brain. If I then received a 100 on the assignment, how would I know there was something I didn't know?

There's a line in The Boondocks where a character says "there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns." Those tests had a lot of unknown unknowns, and as much as I hate to admit it, my advisor's advice was still spot on.

As I continued through graduate school, changing schools and taking a new advisor, I noticed something very important about the professors we all considered to be geniuses: they were surprisingly humble. These professors have PhDs from schools like MIT and they've published hundreds of papers on various topics. These professors could help you in graduate level courses for things they didn't even study... Yet, when I asked a question that seemed off the wall, off base, or down right stupid, their first instinct was not to assume that I was wrong, but to question their understanding of the question I had posed. I've noticed that most of us operate as though we understand everything. When new ideas come our way even so-called open-minded people have a tendency to scoff or snub their nose at the idea.

A perfect example presented itself at the same time I was struggling to adapt to graduate school (though I didn't see it for what it was at the time). I had just moved to Florida and noticed no one burned their lights when it rained; in South Carolina the law is that your wipers are on, your lights are on. So, I asked the native Floridians in my circle what the deal was. One of the people made it clear he/she thought I (and South Carolina) were completely ignorant because rain didn't necessarily make it dark where he/she would need light to see. Taken aback by their brazenness, I was quick to point out that the lights weren't for you to see, but for others to see you since rain reduces visibility, but not so quick to realize what happened.

My friend associated headlights with darkness because Florida law only dictates that lights be burned when it's dark. While subconsciously he/she probably knew that the lights enabled others to see his/her vehicle, the primary use for headlights in their point of view, was for their own eyesight. Thus, logically, this is unnecessary in rain. When I posed my question, the person didn't stop to wonder if there were things they hadn't considered. It didn't spark curiosity, in which their response might have been something like "Really? I don't understand why that's the law, do you know?" Like most of us, my friend assumed he/she knew the whole picture and since what I stated didn't make sense in that picture, I was deemed crazy. I'm sure I've done this myself, too, it's a natural response.

Photocredit: Unsplash.com/Tim Swaan

However, in life, it's important to realize that we don't know as much as we think we know. This was an invaluable lesson to me as a researcher, but it's also an invaluable lesson to us as Christians. The only person who doesn't experience unknown unknowns is God; that's why He's the judge. When we come into contact with people, we're often quick to make assumptions that often lead to judgements, when we don't know all the facts. We are quick to get mad at God or dismiss God because He doesn't operate according to our logic, when our logic is flawed. I know it's difficult, but every time we hear something new that we don't understand, we should take a moment of introspection and ask ourselves, is there something I don't understand about this situation.

It Always Works Out Right

I'm not quite type A, but I have type A tendencies, and not having a solid plan for the future is one thing that bugs me. My plan was to secure a job during the winter. I'm a little more than 3 months away from graduation and I have no idea what's going to happen next... That's way out of my comfort zone. Anytime you have to step out of your comfort zone, you can be sure both God and the devil are somewhere nearby arguing about how you're going to handle it.

I'm going to be completely transparent with you: despite having a great GPA, choosing a great field, and being || this close to finishing my PhD, the job search is not going very well. Or at least, that's how I feel most days. I'm not quite type A, but I have type A tendencies, and not having a solid plan for the future is one thing that bugs me. My plan was to secure a job during the winter. I'm a little more than 3 months away from graduation and I have no idea what's going to happen next... That's way out of my comfort zone.

Anytime you have to step out of your comfort zone, you can be sure both God and the devil are somewhere nearby arguing about how you're going to handle it. I can hear the conversation between them now. I imagine that the devil has accused God of ordering my steps perfectly over the past 28 years—an accusation that is true. Everything has always fallen in place perfectly, and that's definitely not my doing. Like with Job, the devil seeks to prove that if we feel abandoned or that God has withdrawn His blessings, we will run for the hills.

One of Job's friends, Elihu, tells Job that God has been trying to speak to him all along. Elihu suggests that Job was too stubborn and angry to hear God's call. As I've been on this job search, I've been trying my hardest not to get to that point. Last week, after a disheartening conversation with a potential employer, I received an invitation to interview with another potential employer. I was stoked! Things were looking up, and I figured this was the opportunity God had for me. Until, they forgot to send me the information on scheduling my travel. I called, I left messages, and no one responded. The day before the interview was supposed to take place, and the day of, I felt pretty low. I felt like a failure and it seemed like even though I'd done all this work to pursue my dreams, I'd still turn out to be 50 years old working at Walmart and living in my parents house. What was I doing wrong?

And then the internet connection holding together my last experiment for my dissertation dropped. I've been using a hotspot to power my wireless system for over a year. Since hotspots were not designed to be used that way, it's a little cranky now. Every once and a while, it decides it just doesn't want to work and disconnects itself from the cellular network. I have to manually reset it, and sometimes restart it. After restarting it, the base station sometimes doesn't want to connect, so then I have to coax it into re-establishing the connection. If I hadn't been there to do this, I would have messed up my experiment. Although the data saves itself until it can be transmitted, the final phase of the experiment hinges on the real-time application of the data. If the data isn't being transmitted, due to lack of WiFi connection, it isn't real-time and I can't make any claims about my device. Continuing the data collection for another week wouldn't be a viable option because I will be at a conference the entire week, and the following week, the students are out of school.

The devil wasn't trying to block an opportunity for me, God was making sure I don't miss my opportunity to graduate! I know first hand just how hard it can be to slow down and let God do what He does. We want to feel in control of our lives, and when we don't, it's hard to trust God to do what's best for us. When everything was said and done, not only did that company call to apologize and reschedule, another opportunity appeared. It's obvious to me that God is moving behind the scenes to set up the path in which he wishes me to go. I just have be patient and listen for His direction.
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God Leads, If You Follow

No matter how smart, logical, or well organized we are, things simply don't turn out the way we envision. The outcome is usually better for us, but we don't always see it that way. Every time I find myself looking in the mirror wondering where my plan fell apart, I refer myself to 2 books: Jonah and Job.

Truth be told, the struggle is always real. We—at least I—generally take the path that leads to what we want. However, it usually doesn't work out the way we think it will. No matter how smart, logical, or well organized we are, things simply don't turn out the way we envision. The outcome is usually better for us, but we don't always see it that way. Every time I find myself looking in the mirror wondering where my plan fell apart, I refer myself to 2 books: Jonah and Job.

Not only did I just finish rereading Job (I'm working to get it posted, I promise!), but I've been in need of reminding myself about this exact lesson. This past December, when I was laying out my reading plan for the year, I found it fitting that around the time I would be finishing up my dissertation and defending, I would be in the books of Job and Psalms. It see God alreadyknew I would need these passages at the time.

When this Spring semester rolled around, I started heavily pursuing job opportunities only to find that suddenly, it had become hard. Only a year ago I impressed plenty of people, secured and nailed the interviews, but a monkey wrench in my dissertation saw me postpone graduation and lose these opportunities. My first interview opportunity of the Spring fell apart the moment our newly inducted president signed an executive order placing a hiring freeze on the government. After struggling, I secured a second interview, which has turned into a passive-aggressive disaster.

Photocredit: Unsplash.com/Chris Lawton

When this second opportunity appeared, I was thrilled. It ticked off all of the boxes on my list: in a good location, with a stable company, pays well, in my field/area of interest. I thought I had struck gold and things were finally coming together. However, I'm well aware of the lengths the devil will go through to lure us away from God. Remember, Jonah? God told him to go to Ninevah, but Jonah got on a boat going in the opposite direction! Cue tempest storm and getting swallowed by some sort of sea creature. I'm not trying to get to God's end game the hard way, like Jonah. When God says "go to Ninevah," I want to pack my bags and go to Ninevah. Since, I don't like cold weather and 90% of the jobs in my fields are in places like Oregon, Seattle, and Boston, it seems highly likely that my Ninevah will be an opportunity in a place I'm not gung ho about moving to. And since the devil's goal in life is to get us to do the opposite of what God wants, it seemed highly likely that temptation would come in the form of an opportunity right here in warm, sunny, South Florida. So, before I went in to the interview, I told myself to make sure I looked for God's plan.

The interview itself went fairly well. I thought, "maybe I'm in the place Job was at the beginning or the end of his story; maybe God is about to give me exactly what I asked for." Then suddenly, God pulled the veil from eyes and revealed the devil's scheme. The post-interview follow-up has been enlightening. The company has contacted me three times since the interview. None of these conversations were to collect more information or to inform me if I did or did not get the position. That wouldn't be so bad if the supervisor of the position didn't keep reminding me that the position was meant for someone with more experience, that the deck was stacked against me, and that if he "gave me the position" I'd need to prove myself because he could have hired someone with more experience... *Side eye*

While this experience opened my eyes to see that this wasn't the job opportunity God intended for me, and got me searching for my "Ninevah," It left something heavy on my heart. When I hung up the phone, I felt like Job. Doing the "right" thing, working hard, and putting in the extra effort seemed like a waste of time. Here there I was, after years of putting in hard work, on the brink of a PhD, and the one company that had followed through with an interview, convinced me that I don't want the job before they even told me the outcome of the interview. This is the low that bugged Job; he had done everything right, yet things weren't going the way he wanted. Job makes note to his friends that the wicked people around him prosper while he writhes in agony. I think we can all relate to Job's observation. You have drug dealers, strippers, and mobster making tons of money—of course, we see the risks associated with these lifestyles and know that the stakes are high. Yet, you have celebrities, politicians, and crooked businessmen that we see as successful and don't see any harm come to despite ungodly practices or lack of experience...

Think about it, we elected a man who has no government experience, no military experience, and failed business experiences as president of the United States. Meanwhile, after 3 internships in computer science, a research position for the past 4 years, and a PhD, I "don't have any experience," "need too much training," and "would be better off trying to get an internship first." Despite the fact that I was raised not to compare myself to people—after all, you never know what's going on behind the scenes in someone's life—it's a sobering reality that really does make you relate to Job. You're going to wonder if you did something wrong and why God let others succeed. We have to remember all that glitters isn't gold. God has a wonderful plan for us, but it doesn't always match our plan. It's precisely then that we need to cling to the lessons in Jonah and Job.

I think, God will give you someone
Much better than me, trust me
Your eyes will be okay, it will be alright
You'll be just fine, just fine, just fineChris Brown - Just Fine

I woke up this morning with lyrics from a song off Chris Brown's 2005 album (I'm not even a Chris Brown fan, and it wasn't a single off his album, what are the odds of those lyrics popping into my head?) The lyrics that I woke up singing are shown to the right. That's God pushing through my subconscious. That's Him saying, "I have something better for you."

Job felt like God had abandoned him. He kept wanting to "plead his case" before God. However, God never left. God always knew Job's case. God spoke of Job to the devil like a proud parent. "Have thou considered my servant Job?" (Job 1:8) As things became progressively worse, Job became self-righteous. He was so focused on the fact that he had done nothing wrong that he missed God's voice, as Elihu explains. No one is perfect; I'm blessed to have come even this far. I don't deserve even half the blessings God has given me, so who am I to say what should happen next? As we go through these experiences, we have to humble ourselves before God and wait for His instruction.

As it would happen, before I could finish this post, or get ready to go to work, I received a phone call to set up the next steps for another exciting opportunity. I know that God has not abandoned me; He is just preparing me for the right opportunity. The more I feel I need to reach out and take matters into my own hand, the more likely I need to be praying and listening. If you open your heart, God will open your eyes and ears. That still small voice will come to you, and you will know which path leads to Ninevah versus the eye of the storm. Top

Gradschool Pt. 2

If it weren't for God, graduate school would have already killed me. The fourteenth testimony shares another of His miraculous doings.

Graduate school is stressful; that may be the biggest understatement I've ever made. As a Ph.D. student, the difficulties I face related to school are unlike any challenges I had before. If you are given a project in undergrad, and your project is only partially complete at the end of the deadline you turn in a partially complete project. Partially complete could be anywhere from an F to a B, maybe even an A. Once you have your grade, you move on to the next assignment. You can fail some of the assignments and still make a decent grade in the class, then you move on.

The Ph.D. doesn't work like that, especially not in Computer Science. To graduate, I need to complete 3 "major" projects and publish papers on each project (as well as pass a qualifying exam, proposal and dissertation defense). My second project relies on a sensor network that I designed to collect and relay pertinent data from the school cafeteria. If the sensors do not work, I can't get the data I need for the rest of my project. Unlike undergrad, when the semester ends, I don't get a range between A and F that assess how much of it I succeeded in completing. Further, I can't graduate without completing the project to the fullest.

In January, I had a working prototype that I'd spent the previous semester creating. All I needed was to adjust the power consumption to maximize the longevity of the power supply, and I could deploy the devices for data collection. However, just when I thought everything was perfect, the device started to display unusual and sporadic behavior. One week it would work fine, the next it wouldn't run at all. Since mid February, I've been trying to diagnose and fix this bug. Neither my advisors nor the hardware manufacturers could explain the behavior I was witnessing, and while that verified that I wasn't an idiot, it also sent a wave of panic down my spine.

Photocredit: ShutterStock.com/Joe Mercier

It started to feel as though God didn't want me to continue in this path. God has moved me for a variety of reasons to a variety of places during my studies and I was starting to think God was placing a wall in front of a path He didn't want me to go down. After 2.5 months of spinning my wheels, Wednesday brought me to the end of my rope. I had tried everything I knew twice and it just wasn't working.

Wednesday night, I asked God to speak to me; to confirm His plan for me and to help me.

Thursday, He brought me the answer to part of the problem. By the end of the day Thursday, my code was working again, I had a logical explanation for the sporadic behavior, and a solution to the problem. However, of the 2 prototypes I had, only one worked. Thursday night I thanked God and prayed that I could figure out what was wrong with the hardware.

Friday, within 30 minutes of getting to my office, He showed me what was wrong with the hardware. Not only did He show me the problem, but He surrounded me with people who could help me fix the problem. The major difference between Thursday and Friday was that no one was in the office Thursday afternoon. Had I found the hardware problem after I fixed the code, no one would have been there to give me any advice on how to fix it. Because God knew I couldn't fix it on my own, He let that information sit until Friday morning, giving me just enough time to get it fixed and tested before the week's end. So by 5pm Friday, I had 2 working devices that I could leave running all weekend!

God knew that I was at a breaking point. It wasn't that I was beginning to doubt God's abilities, but that I doubted my interpretation of His plan for me. I was starting to think that maybe He'd never intended for me to get a Ph.D.; that would explain why I'd had drastic potholes in my path, like switching universities and one failed project already under my belt. I didn't want to continue doing something He didn't want me doing. I knew that if God was putting a wall there, the devil would never be able to break through it. That's the beauty of choosing God then letting Him make the decisions. Just like the storm prevented Jonah from going in the wrong direction, God will stop me from wandering away because I continually ask Him to. Conversely, the devil may try to trick me into thinking God is trying to stop me or try to convince me to doubt God by standing in the way of my progress, but God is capable of moving the devil. If God is for me, not even the devil can stand against me.

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?Romans 8:31 KJV

Nothing is more wonderful that entering the Sabbath with the knowledge that God has spoken. I asked to hear His voice, and He opened both my hears and eyes. How wonderful is that!? This is my 14^th testimony.
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Gradschool Pt. 1

The thirteenth testimony, is about how I survived getting my Masters.

Grad school is supposed to be hard, but you still have to maintain a decent GPA, and by decent, my department meant a 3.5 or higher. In undergrad that had been a piece of cake, but in my first couple of years in graduate school, I could barely maintain a 3.0. I felt as though I had gotten amnesia and as a result had lost a great deal of IQ points. I was working harder than I ever had, taking diligent notes, talking to the professors/teaching assistants, and even reading the text book. When I brought the issue up to my advisor, he suggested that I “know what I don’t know and learn it,” which would have made some sense if I had been doing as poorly on the homework as I was on the tests. The strange thing was that my homework scores were generally high As with a few A-’s and B+’s. I was earning perfect scores on projects and it seemed like I knew all the material being covered. Yet, every time I was given a test, the questions were unlike anything I’d seen before and I performed poorly. I don't think I scored above a 70 on a single test during that time.

Photocredit: ShutterStock.com/lunminaimages

If it wasn’t bad enough that, ostensibly, I was flunking out, I was fairly unhappy with my situation in general. There was a lot about the department I didn’t like, not including my failed exams. There was a great deal I didn’t like about the university, as well. I didn’t fit in with most of the graduate students I met; I was “cool” enough to be invited to random gatherings or called for a ride but not cool enough for the daily lunches/hangouts, which became obvious during the other gatherings. Eventually, I found a better circle to hang out with and my sorority sisters kept my spirits up, because I was too stubborn to quit, so I hung in there. I didn't think God opened all those doors for me just to have me fail.

I was approaching the sink or swim moment in my program as I neared the final semester to earn the 3.5 and apply to move forward in the program or fail to earn the 3.5 and be kicked out the program, when God swooped in again. Someone sent me a text message asking if I’d seen “The Notice” but I didn’t know what they were talking about. When I checked my email, I learned that they were trying to shut down my department. In the weeks that followed I participated in many student-lead protests, but I got to witness exactly how two-faced my department was and all the underhanded behavior that existed in my department. Those weeks were the final straw. The idea that the department was being shut down liberated stubborn me and offered me the chance of quitting without offending the stubborn part of me. I wasn’t gung ho about quitting my degree, regardless of the circumstances, but I knew that in mid to late April, the chances of applying to, getting accepted to, and receiving funding from another school were very slim. So, I updated my resume and started applying for jobs online, in addition to contacting my alma mater for advice on continuing my degree at another institution. Neither my academic advisor nor fellowship advisor followed through with their promise to write me a recommendation letter for the jobs or for the application to return to my alma mater. No one at my current institution would confirm (or deny) the availability of my assistantship after whatever changes were approved took effect (the proposal included the elimination of teaching assistants and a reduction of research which was how I was supposed to be funded), and although he met with other students in my lab about the situation, my advisor assured me he had no idea what was going to happen. I was about to apply for a job at the furniture store near my apartment complex when my alma mater sent me a letter saying I was re-accepted with funding.

By itself, that acceptance—the quickest acceptance I’ve ever witnessed—was a miracle, but my problems weren’t over yet. I had a lease I needed to break, and I would need to find an apartment near my new/old school. The landlord told me if I could move out early (re: the end of the month) he was 99% positive he could re-assign my lease. When I traveled over 7 hours back to my alma mater to search for an apartment only one apartment complex had apartments that were nice, would fit my furniture, and were within my budget. They had exactly one availability—it was on the top floor, just as I wanted—and the earliest move in date was the end of the month. So God not only got me into another school to continue my degree, but He got me out of my lease, and found me a new apartment.

You would think that was enough miracle-work from God for one person, but He still wasn’t finished. My contact at my alma mater, the Graduate Student Coordinator for my department, had suggested that I look into graduating with a Masters degree from the institution I was leaving. The Masters curriculum was different from the PhD curriculum, it required classes the PhD did not and more hours of actual classwork (as opposed to research, seminar, or dissertation credits). Remember when I said I was struggling to get a 3.5 GPA? To bring my GPA up, I had taken extra classes. Acing my homework kept my GPA above a 3.0, while failing the tests kept in under a 3.5, enabling me to simultaneously pass the class but need to take another to better the “low” grade of the class. When I went through the degree requirements, I had exactly the right amount of credits to graduate with a Masters and since the department chair felt I "didn't perform as [he] had hoped" and “wasn’t cut out for a PhD,” he eagerly signed my petition to graduate with a Masters.

God had a plan all along—He never meant for me to stay at that institution for my PhD. I learned a lot during that period of my life, not nearly as much as you would expect in my field, but about life, about people, and most importantly about God. I spent a lot of time thinking during these first years in graduate school; it was good for me. I became more confident in myself, despite the situation I was in. God reminded me that gold doesn’t just exist at the end of the rainbow, sometimes it exists at the bottom of the hole you fell into (along with a ladder). This is my 13th testimony.