The V Word

People often give me the funniest looks when the word "virgin" comes out of my mouth. I realize we live in a society where people are generally assumed to not be a virgin, so I can imagine it's not what they expect to hear. The looks I've gotten have ranged from the casual "oh" to the bug-eyed look of disbelief. It never fails that those who look at me as though I've just admitted to being a Martian will respond with something similar to "but why though!?"

If you know me, you know that the idea of needing to explain myself is a foreign concept for me. I often don't feel like entertaining their questions, not because I'm embarrassed or don't know why, but simply because I don't care. In most of the conversations that have led me to reveal this information about myself, its been a case where I was asked a question and responded with "I don't know, I'm a virgin." In a few cases the people (or person) I was talking with decided they would take that opportunity to go on the defense and berate everything they thought me being a virgin meant. Many of their comments showed that they assumed I was judging them because they were not. One even made a comment that "just because [she] didn't wait, it didn't make [her] a hoe." Well, I never called her a hoe: all I said was that I was a virgin. Considering I only made one statement, only after being prompted (often repeatedly, after all I don't usually just blurt out my personal business to everyone), and it had nothing to with them, I'd say that was a guilty conscious talking. Everyone took it to this whole 'nother level, all the while they were saying that sex wasn't a big deal. Then why are you concerned with my sex-life (or lack thereof)?

I'm not a judge; I don't care what people do in their spare time. I don't need an explanation of why you do what you do, so naturally I don't feel that I need to explain what I do. However since so many have asked, I'll take the time to put it out there. Please note that if you don't agree or have chosen not to wait this is not a slam or finger point but simply a personal answer to an overplayed question.

The easiest answer to give someone would be because God said to wait until marriage. It's short, it's sweet. It's not really my answer though. I would call that step one to getting where I am now.

Step One: God Said So

Growing up, of course everyone tells you to wait. If you grew up in the church like I did, you get taught abstinence based on the commandment "thou shalt not commit adultery." Well, adultery is cheating on one's spouse. If you aren't married is it cheating? If so, would not kissing before marriage also be a sin? Furthermore, at the time the commandments were written, women didn't speak to men unless they were married to them, so I'm pretty sure any act would be considered adultery if you follow that logic. I don't (and didn't) think that was what that commandment meant; so, I kept digging for a better answer. 1 Corinthians 7:9 says:

But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.1 Corinthians 7:9 KJV

To see that this is in reference to sex I would suggest reading from 1 Corinthians 7:1 (I thought pasting the whole thing into the blog might be a bit much). Also, look at Exodus 22:16-17; it says:

¹⁶And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. ¹⁷If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.Exodus 22:16-17 KJV

There are actually many more verses like this if you care to look.

So, I found just cause in the bible to substantiate the idea that God said you should wait to have sex until you're married (or engaged as Exodus says betrothed not married). End of explanation right? Not hardly. As a believer, I believe that God is the truth and with that belief comes that logic that if God is the truth, it should be true whether I say God said it or not. Example: you don't have to tell someone its wrong to murder because God said so; most atheists will agree with you that its wrong to murder. It is in this mindset that leads me to believe that everything God commands can be reasoned (though not necessarily before you obey his command).  This is the logic that has since followed...

Step Two: Observance of Female Friends

My close friends who are not virgins have shared bits and pieces (occasionally more than I'd like know) about their experiences, and I've found that they all fit into one the following categories: still with the first guy they had sex with, still in love with the first guy they had sex with even though they aren't with him, hate the guy and wish they'd waited on someone else, or in constant emotional distress concerning sex. This observance doesn't lead me to think that you should wait until marriage, after all I don't have nearly enough friends to make a general conclusion. However, a common trend I've seen more so with my female friends, occasionally with my guy friends, is that the more you care about someone the more enjoyable the sex. Now you have your answer of why I don't believe in causal sex—messy, emotional, complications, etc.

Step Three: Consequences (Other than Pregnancy and STDs)

One of my friends use to date a total scumbag.  He was easy on the eyes, I'll give her that much, but he was a <insert derogatory terms here>. According to her, the sex was phenomenal; I guess that's why she stayed for so long. Anyway, eventually, they broke up. Time passed and she started dating another guy. She was totally head over heels for him, constantly talking about how much she loves him and how happy he makes her... Then she confides in me that she just can't get past the fact that sex with him is not as phenomenal as the other guy. And eventually, they broke up. Well that sucks—I'd hate to be stuck on some guy I was in lust with and miss out on the guy I was in love with. Call me strange, call me old-fashioned, but in this case I'd say ignorance is bliss.

Step Four: The Final Step

Everyone who has sex says it isn't that serious and it isn't important, but their actions tend to say otherwise. I'm not sure if there's a switch you can flip and have meaningless sex, then turn around and flip it again to have meaningful sex... Perhaps, but it lead me to the question what does it mean to be married? If you take sex out of the equation, what is the difference in dating someone and marrying them? Take a friend versus boyfriend (we're going to ignore the friends with benefits category), the bottom-line difference I think most would agree upon is that when you step from friends to boyfriend/girlfriend you are declaring yourself exclusive. So to go from boyfriend/girlfriend to married couple, its supposed to be a declaration of exclusivity forever. However, when you begin a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship I would hope you don't already see an end in sight... Besides, we all know that most marriages end in divorce so that's not really a solid difference. Married people live together—but so do boyfriend/girlfriend couples sometimes. The only differences I see is a name change (which you can do with out a marriage license), a tax break, and legal power (social security if they die, etc.). None of these really entice me to get married—it seems like a moot point. While I don't particularly believe in divorce (excluding infidelity, abuse, etc.) or living together before marriage, the tradition of waiting until you get married is what makes getting married different than just being in a relationship with someone. It's a lot of opinion, and observance, that. for me, combine to an interpretation that if you aren't going to make it special all the time, why make it special ever? I'm an all or nothing kind of person, so at the end of the day the question for me was "Why bother ever getting married if there's no difference in married life and dating life?"