The Problem With Church Folk: Presumption Over Relationship

#QTNA: Does presumptuous unsolicited advice ever go over well?

Not too long ago, I received a message (via a social media platform) from a woman who attended the church I used to attend in Florida. The message didn't contain any text—not even a greeting—just a link to a video clip of a sermon.

For context, I've had a total of maybe two conversations with this woman, all very brief and to the point. Nonetheless, I thought perhaps it was a profound word that she just had to share, so I clicked it... It was a man preaching about singleness. He started out saying that God "doesn't give companions, He gives helpers," and then went into a spiel about people wanting a significant other but not working. His example being that Adam was busy naming the animals when God decided to create Eve. I didn't get past that part.

Aside from thinking "wtf" (yes I thought that, see footnote below), the following are a few thoughts that popped into my head:

• Did you send this because you think that I need to hear this?
• If so, are you implying I am a person that wants a spouse but isn't working?"
• How would you know if I want a spouse?
• Actually, how do you know I don't have a spouse[2]
• Why would you send me this?
• Did you send this to other people?

As I mentioned, this woman and I have never had a real conversation. For all she knows, I could have a boyfriend. I could be engaged. Throw in the fact that we haven't spoken since before COVID started and I have been in a totally different state for 8 months: I could be married for all she knows. It is very presumptuous of her to assume not only that I am single, but that I also need help with my singleness (as though it is a disease in need of curing).

After simmering down a bit, I cut her a little slack on the presumption of singleness as I've probably mentioned it on my YouTube channel/podcast before, though I don't know if she follows either. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she does. However, that didn't suddnely make the message less bizarre.

There are three types of "work" the man in the clip could have been referencing: physical, spirtual,or emotional. We have physical jobs we do in this world to earn money to pay pills; this is one form of work. There is spiritual work we do both on ourselves and for the Kingdom; this is another form of work. Lastly, there is emotional work that many require to heal from childhood traumas... What type of work was he referencing?

It doens't matter what type of work the man was referencing because this is where my lack of relationship with this woman shines clearest. Literally, the hardest thing about dating is making time for it. I work full time as a software engineer and prior to relocating, also volunteered as a mentor for college women in STEM. I worked with an organization called BOLD Justice to hold elected polictions accountable and fight for a better community.[3] I was in leadership for our young adult ministry and a Sabbath school teacher for the youth class. I have this blog, a podcast, and a YouTube channel dedicated to the Most High God. I have also seen a therapist about past traumas concerning racism in my childhood (as well as for anxiety in grad school). If that's not working, I'm just going to have to be single and lazy cause I can't add much more to my plate.

The thing is, she wouldn't know any of this because we've literally never had a meaningful conversation! (And contrary to the fact that I'm pretty open on the blog, podcast, and YouTube channel, I don't use social media as a diary).

Perhaps she meant well, but I'll never know because she didn't communicate (and I refuse to ask, because I'm too blunt and liable to say something I shouldn't say). A simple message with the link would have done wonders. For all, I know she could have been sharing it with me because she thinks I'm still a youth leader; she could have been hoping that I would pass the information on and it may have had nothing to do with me personally. It's possible that if I'd listened further, the person said something I echoed in one of my posts and maybe she sent it because she thought I'd agree. However, I'll never know because she didn't articualte her thouhgts.

The problem with most Christians—specfically church folk—is that instead of developing and cultivating relationships that lead to organic conversations, they pass out unsolicited advice based on assumptions they've made. Even as a follower of Christ who has done much work on my temper and controlling my tongue, I had quite a few choice words in response. I imagine a younger, less mature version of myself and I see exactly why young people don't want anything to do with the church. Unfortunately, when people behave like this, they're claiming to represent The Most High God (which is both bearing false witness and using God's name in vain) and it doesn't just turn people away from the church but away from God Himself. Let's not continue this.

Footnotes

1. Many Christians subscribe to the belief that "cursing" is wrong. While I would agree that you should watch your mouth on the basis that you may offend ofters (Romans 14), I would like to point out that there is a difference between a "curse" word and a cursing a person. Simply speaking negatively about a person is cursing a person. Shouting an expletive when you drop something on your foot is not cursing a person; there really isn't any difference in screaming the f-word vs. ow in this situation. So while I strive to keep my vocabulary clean and am mindful of how I use my words toward (and about) others, I often think "wtf" and see nothing wrong with it.
2. There are several people at that church that I had known for a year or two (I mean I had actually had conversations with!) that ended up having spouses and I didn't even know. While I disagree with the belief, many in that church believe jewelry to be a sin and therefore a large portion of them don't wear wedding rings. Thus, it's equally plausible that while I was attending the church, I could have had a whole husband she wasn't aware of. Throw in the fact that I haven't seen this woman in person (nor had a conversation with her) in over two years and I could have met someone and gotten married in that time.
3. BOLD Justice (Broward Organized Leaders Doing Justice) is a coalition of religious communities that research problems in the community—such as treatment of homeless people, care for mental health and the elderly, uneccessary arrests, and more), then work with elected official to implement solutions to said problems. While I was there, the main issues worked on were providing stable housing for those struggling with mental health, creating civil citations to reduce the number of arrests for minor infractions (particularly for youth), and ensuring all nursing homes have generators and are inspected so that the elderly are provided with safe living spaces.

Too Much Talking

Do your words get you introuble? Let's talk about communication.

The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
Proverbs 15:28 NASB

Recently I read a book called Keep It Shut (I posted a review here on the blog), and it's had me accutely aware of how easy it is to miscommunicate. Despite how easily angered/offended most of us are, it's really easy to mean well but say something that riles people up. In this episode I wanted to explore that.

Highlighted Scenarios & Thoughts

• Culture plays a major role in how we communicate (e.g., I have offended people by saying "ma'am/sir" and I have offended people by not saying "ma'am/sir")
• Our past can cause us to be sensitive about certain topics (e.g., I have a male friend who is 5'2"; he goes from 0 to 100 when he perceives someone to be referencing his height)
• We are each responsible for our own self: it is my responsiblity to manage my expectations and to express when something bothers me; it is also my responsibility to respect others and try to understand their view point
• There are lots of Bible verses about the dangers of the tongue!

Book Review: Keep it Shut

Keep it Shut: What to Say, How to Say it, and When to Say Nothing At All by Karen Ehman was recommended to me by a friend during a conversation about how hard it is to control what I say. More specifically, I have a tendancy to say things I think are just fine, only to find out people are offended. So I knew I had to read it.

Overview of the Book

This book is on the power (and danger) of the tongue and how to weild your words in a Godly manner. The author combines personal anecedotes and Bible verses to remind us of how our words can affect others. In each section, there are reflective questions to help you in thinking out a particular response of statement.

What I Didn't Like

I'm not going to lie, it did take me a whole year to finish this book. I don't think that's particularly a statement on the quality of the book, however. The topic is something I knew I needed to focus on (we probably all do) but I think my commitment to it waxed and wanned. Also, the points made are not earth shattering or things you couldn't think of yourself, which keeps it from being a page turner.

What I Liked

Despite the information being "obvious" it was definitely a good reminder, and as God would have it, I was tested after every chapter. The inclusion of Bible verses to keep the advice Biblical was well timed and gave me a great list of scripture to reflect on as I continue this journey.

Would I Recommend?

The book is definitely written with a female audience in mind, though I think anyone could read it and benefit. The author leans heavy on her experience, which is that of a white Christian in the US; I would love to see a similar book written by someone from a different race/culture. Despite the fact that many of her experiences didn't necessarily resonate with me as a black woman, I was still able to convert the experiences shared into useful information. For this reason I would still recommend the book to anyone searching to be more effective and commpassionate in their communication.

Misunderstandings

²¹“You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ ²²But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. ²³Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. ²⁵Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. ²⁶Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny.Matthew 5:21-26 NKJV

Greek Terms
Here are rough definitions of the words I used in the podcast to help you follow along

• Reserve Dates - dates picked and reserved for a specific organization
• Founder's Week - The week in which an organization's founder's day lands; all days in this week are reserved for that particular organization
• Unofficial Week - Weeks that organizations put on events, but the days are not guaranteed
• Neo - New member of an organization; someone who hasn't brought in new members
• Prophyte - Older member of an organization who has brought in new members (older in terms of membership, not age)
• Probate/New Member Show - Show in which new members are presented/revealed to campus

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother.Matthew 18:15 CSB