Gradschool Pt. 2

If it weren't for God, graduate school would have already killed me. The fourteenth testimony shares another of His miraculous doings.

Graduate school is stressful; that may be the biggest understatement I've ever made. As a Ph.D. student, the difficulties I face related to school are unlike any challenges I had before. If you are given a project in undergrad, and your project is only partially complete at the end of the deadline you turn in a partially complete project. Partially complete could be anywhere from an F to a B, maybe even an A. Once you have your grade, you move on to the next assignment. You can fail some of the assignments and still make a decent grade in the class, then you move on.

The Ph.D. doesn't work like that, especially not in Computer Science. To graduate, I need to complete 3 "major" projects and publish papers on each project (as well as pass a qualifying exam, proposal and dissertation defense). My second project relies on a sensor network that I designed to collect and relay pertinent data from the school cafeteria. If the sensors do not work, I can't get the data I need for the rest of my project. Unlike undergrad, when the semester ends, I don't get a range between A and F that assess how much of it I succeeded in completing. Further, I can't graduate without completing the project to the fullest.

In January, I had a working prototype that I'd spent the previous semester creating. All I needed was to adjust the power consumption to maximize the longevity of the power supply, and I could deploy the devices for data collection. However, just when I thought everything was perfect, the device started to display unusual and sporadic behavior. One week it would work fine, the next it wouldn't run at all. Since mid February, I've been trying to diagnose and fix this bug. Neither my advisors nor the hardware manufacturers could explain the behavior I was witnessing, and while that verified that I wasn't an idiot, it also sent a wave of panic down my spine.

Photocredit: ShutterStock.com/Joe Mercier

It started to feel as though God didn't want me to continue in this path. God has moved me for a variety of reasons to a variety of places during my studies and I was starting to think God was placing a wall in front of a path He didn't want me to go down. After 2.5 months of spinning my wheels, Wednesday brought me to the end of my rope. I had tried everything I knew twice and it just wasn't working.

Wednesday night, I asked God to speak to me; to confirm His plan for me and to help me.

Thursday, He brought me the answer to part of the problem. By the end of the day Thursday, my code was working again, I had a logical explanation for the sporadic behavior, and a solution to the problem. However, of the 2 prototypes I had, only one worked. Thursday night I thanked God and prayed that I could figure out what was wrong with the hardware.

Friday, within 30 minutes of getting to my office, He showed me what was wrong with the hardware. Not only did He show me the problem, but He surrounded me with people who could help me fix the problem. The major difference between Thursday and Friday was that no one was in the office Thursday afternoon. Had I found the hardware problem after I fixed the code, no one would have been there to give me any advice on how to fix it. Because God knew I couldn't fix it on my own, He let that information sit until Friday morning, giving me just enough time to get it fixed and tested before the week's end. So by 5pm Friday, I had 2 working devices that I could leave running all weekend!

God knew that I was at a breaking point. It wasn't that I was beginning to doubt God's abilities, but that I doubted my interpretation of His plan for me. I was starting to think that maybe He'd never intended for me to get a Ph.D.; that would explain why I'd had drastic potholes in my path, like switching universities and one failed project already under my belt. I didn't want to continue doing something He didn't want me doing. I knew that if God was putting a wall there, the devil would never be able to break through it. That's the beauty of choosing God then letting Him make the decisions. Just like the storm prevented Jonah from going in the wrong direction, God will stop me from wandering away because I continually ask Him to. Conversely, the devil may try to trick me into thinking God is trying to stop me or try to convince me to doubt God by standing in the way of my progress, but God is capable of moving the devil. If God is for me, not even the devil can stand against me.

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?Romans 8:31 KJV

Nothing is more wonderful that entering the Sabbath with the knowledge that God has spoken. I asked to hear His voice, and He opened both my hears and eyes. How wonderful is that!? This is my 14^th testimony.
Top

Gradschool Pt. 1

The thirteenth testimony, is about how I survived getting my Masters.

Grad school is supposed to be hard, but you still have to maintain a decent GPA, and by decent, my department meant a 3.5 or higher. In undergrad that had been a piece of cake, but in my first couple of years in graduate school, I could barely maintain a 3.0. I felt as though I had gotten amnesia and as a result had lost a great deal of IQ points. I was working harder than I ever had, taking diligent notes, talking to the professors/teaching assistants, and even reading the text book. When I brought the issue up to my advisor, he suggested that I “know what I don’t know and learn it,” which would have made some sense if I had been doing as poorly on the homework as I was on the tests. The strange thing was that my homework scores were generally high As with a few A-’s and B+’s. I was earning perfect scores on projects and it seemed like I knew all the material being covered. Yet, every time I was given a test, the questions were unlike anything I’d seen before and I performed poorly. I don't think I scored above a 70 on a single test during that time.

Photocredit: ShutterStock.com/lunminaimages

If it wasn’t bad enough that, ostensibly, I was flunking out, I was fairly unhappy with my situation in general. There was a lot about the department I didn’t like, not including my failed exams. There was a great deal I didn’t like about the university, as well. I didn’t fit in with most of the graduate students I met; I was “cool” enough to be invited to random gatherings or called for a ride but not cool enough for the daily lunches/hangouts, which became obvious during the other gatherings. Eventually, I found a better circle to hang out with and my sorority sisters kept my spirits up, because I was too stubborn to quit, so I hung in there. I didn't think God opened all those doors for me just to have me fail.

I was approaching the sink or swim moment in my program as I neared the final semester to earn the 3.5 and apply to move forward in the program or fail to earn the 3.5 and be kicked out the program, when God swooped in again. Someone sent me a text message asking if I’d seen “The Notice” but I didn’t know what they were talking about. When I checked my email, I learned that they were trying to shut down my department. In the weeks that followed I participated in many student-lead protests, but I got to witness exactly how two-faced my department was and all the underhanded behavior that existed in my department. Those weeks were the final straw. The idea that the department was being shut down liberated stubborn me and offered me the chance of quitting without offending the stubborn part of me. I wasn’t gung ho about quitting my degree, regardless of the circumstances, but I knew that in mid to late April, the chances of applying to, getting accepted to, and receiving funding from another school were very slim. So, I updated my resume and started applying for jobs online, in addition to contacting my alma mater for advice on continuing my degree at another institution. Neither my academic advisor nor fellowship advisor followed through with their promise to write me a recommendation letter for the jobs or for the application to return to my alma mater. No one at my current institution would confirm (or deny) the availability of my assistantship after whatever changes were approved took effect (the proposal included the elimination of teaching assistants and a reduction of research which was how I was supposed to be funded), and although he met with other students in my lab about the situation, my advisor assured me he had no idea what was going to happen. I was about to apply for a job at the furniture store near my apartment complex when my alma mater sent me a letter saying I was re-accepted with funding.

By itself, that acceptance—the quickest acceptance I’ve ever witnessed—was a miracle, but my problems weren’t over yet. I had a lease I needed to break, and I would need to find an apartment near my new/old school. The landlord told me if I could move out early (re: the end of the month) he was 99% positive he could re-assign my lease. When I traveled over 7 hours back to my alma mater to search for an apartment only one apartment complex had apartments that were nice, would fit my furniture, and were within my budget. They had exactly one availability—it was on the top floor, just as I wanted—and the earliest move in date was the end of the month. So God not only got me into another school to continue my degree, but He got me out of my lease, and found me a new apartment.

You would think that was enough miracle-work from God for one person, but He still wasn’t finished. My contact at my alma mater, the Graduate Student Coordinator for my department, had suggested that I look into graduating with a Masters degree from the institution I was leaving. The Masters curriculum was different from the PhD curriculum, it required classes the PhD did not and more hours of actual classwork (as opposed to research, seminar, or dissertation credits). Remember when I said I was struggling to get a 3.5 GPA? To bring my GPA up, I had taken extra classes. Acing my homework kept my GPA above a 3.0, while failing the tests kept in under a 3.5, enabling me to simultaneously pass the class but need to take another to better the “low” grade of the class. When I went through the degree requirements, I had exactly the right amount of credits to graduate with a Masters and since the department chair felt I "didn't perform as [he] had hoped" and “wasn’t cut out for a PhD,” he eagerly signed my petition to graduate with a Masters.

God had a plan all along—He never meant for me to stay at that institution for my PhD. I learned a lot during that period of my life, not nearly as much as you would expect in my field, but about life, about people, and most importantly about God. I spent a lot of time thinking during these first years in graduate school; it was good for me. I became more confident in myself, despite the situation I was in. God reminded me that gold doesn’t just exist at the end of the rainbow, sometimes it exists at the bottom of the hole you fell into (along with a ladder). This is my 13th testimony.

Letting God Drive

They don't cover this in driver's ed, but prayer covers everything.

In my life, there have been many moments that stand out as on the brink of what I thought I could handle. Yet over time, each of these moments turns out to be a building block for something that happens later in life. I belive God gives us these trials so that we may learn and be ready for the next test.

Photocredit: West Boca News/Samir

When I was in college, there was a late and unusually large snow at my college. The snow occurred on a Sunday evening, the time just before students would need to place their cars back in the student parking lots, which prompted several of us to move our cars early so as to beat the weather. I had never driven in snow before, and up until yesterday, that was the scariest driving experience I'd ever had! I took the long way around, careful to avoid hills, and went slow to adapt to the feel of the snow. Yet the image of students spinning out and losing control of their cars is imprinted in my mind. Probably because I felt like I, too, had virtually no control over my car. I was scared, but God guided my car to safety.

Last night, I understood why Jesus had me experience that bizarre snow storm, where I had family and friends within close proximity and knew the area well. As I wound through town trying to avoid deep standing water, I feared that my car would stall out or that I'd never find a working traffic light to guide me to safety. As I made difficult turns and decisions about the safety of a road, I recalled the feel of driving through that snow and I remembered that God was a much better driver than I am. So, I trusted Him to get me home safe.

I saw so many cars stall out as water seeped into their engines and I took chances on dark roads where I couldn't see the road, let alone how deep the water was. Below is a video taken by Sean O'Connor showing what conditions were like in the area I was driving.
Like many of the vehicles that are shown "dead in the water," my car is small and low to the ground (not sports car low but too low for comfort in a flood). The chances of me ending up like those cars was very high, but Jesus carried me safely home. Each time I experience something, I'm able to draw on an experience God brought me through before. Not only was I better driver, calmer, and able to make better decisions, I knew to hand the wheel over to Him first, because there's no way I made it through all that in my Honda Civic by myself. This is my 11^th testimony, the testimony of survival.

Always Bless Your Food

The 9th testimony is about the blessing of food.

I was nineteen, about to participate in my first internship, and moving into an apartment for the first time (I spent all four of my undergraduate years in the dormitories). I had two roommates, both were just over 21, and we were excited to meet each other. On the day of the move in, we arrived at staggered intervals throughout the afternoon, popping in and out of the apartment to pick up items we'd forgotten at the store. Once we were all set, one of the girls suggested we go out to dinner to get better acquainted and have a good time, so we did. What we discovered first was that we had similar taste in food as we ordered the exact same dish. When the food arrived, we discovered that I was a Christian, one was agnostic, and the other still searching. This revelation came about when I stopped to bless my food before eating. That night when we got home both of my roommates had food poisoning; I did not.

Photocredit: FreeImages.com/Renxx Gmdr

Many have and will conclude that I was simply lucky (though if you look at the other testimonies, it becomes more obvious that God is working in my favor). This is one of those instances that I was referring to when I said we must present God's wonder in a steady stream as opposed to sharing only one event because this is in fact a miracle. There are three possible ways that God accomplished this feat (to my knowledge, at least): my roommates' sandwiches were made first with spoiled ingredients and my sandwich was made last with a new batch of ingredients, my sandwich was made first and then a new batch of ingredients which were spoiled was used to make theirs, or God protected me from the effects of the spoiled ingredient. God usually works through people so the first two are likely, especially since God would know that I was going to pray over my food. Though being all powerful, God could have simply protected me from the effects. If one of the first two possibilities occurred, the fact that we ordered the same thing with no alterations, meant that each of us had a 2/3 chance of getting a spoiled sandwich and only 1/3 chance of getting the good sandwich when the waiter set them down in front of us. With only 1/3 of the group being a believer, each sandwich only had a 1/3 chance of the being blessed. That means the probability of the sandwich being blessed and good is only 1/9 (11%). That's not including the probability that we all ordered the same thing (there were at least 10 different sandwiches plus other options on the menu) nor the probability that our sandwiches were made with different ingredients. Sure, it's not impossible (of course nothing is impossible with God), but as I said, when you take into consideration all the testimonies, it aligns with the fact that God put His hand in the mix. Oh, did I mention that I've always blessed my food and I've never gotten food poisoning in my life? This is my ninth testimony.

Dreams and Visions

The fourth testimony is how I became saved.

Throughout the Bible God communicates with His people through visions and dreams. During Adam and Eve's days in the garden, God spoke to man without barrier, but after the fall, God comes to His favorite believers in the form of an angel or through visions (with the exception of Moses who was honored to be in the actual presence of God). Since Jesus's era, however, most people either scoff at the idea of dreams sent from God or don't discuss them for fear of being scoffed at.

And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams:Acts 2:17 KJV

Well, scoff if you must, but I'm going there. I would say that I wake up remembering my dreams 5-6 mornings of the week. Usually these memories are significantly diminished by lunch. In most cases I remember the general idea of the dream but not the details—I'll remember I was with my mom but not where, why, or what happened. Most of my dreams have slipped away by the next morning. Some I write down for story ideas, and while the story idea stays, the images in my mind slip away. I have had one dream in my life that has never faded; this dream occurred approximately 15 years ago in the month of March. Moses had a burning bush. Jacob saw a ladder to heaven. I had the following dream.

It was early in the morning, and I was looking for my mother at home. I found her on the glass porch, which in my dream had been converted back to the screen porch of my even younger days, but what was happening outside took my mind away from her. There was a white lattice cross with ribbon and flowers situated in my backyard where the dog pen should have been. Angels sang, their harmonies falling upon me gently creating a melody I had never heard before. The sky blended smoothly from pink to the faintest hint of purple to blue—it looked like a sunset, but in my mind I knew it was sunrise. Out of the sky, directly above the cross was a bold streak of lightning that ended in a ball of fire just above the top of the cross. It looked as though it had been drawn with colored pencil, shaded in orange, red, and yellow. Then I awoke, heart racing, confused, and a bit scared.

I didn't understand the dream initially. I just knew I couldn't shake it; it didn't fade like other dreams. Then little by little each piece revealed itself to me:

The song the angels sung	Where You There? — I heard it at an Resurrection play about a month later. The dream's theme is echoed in the song. I wasn't there, but God took me there to know the truth of Jesus's glory.
Lattice cross and flowers	The Resurrection play I went to situated the choir in rows and columns that made up the shape of a cross. This cross shape was accentuated by white stage walls, draped in flowers. It resembled the white lattice cross.
Sunrise and looking for my mother	Sunrise is when Mary Magdalene and Mary, mother of James, went to the tomb and discovered stone rolled away. It was sunrise for me as a believer—I had heard the teachings and believed what was written but it was time for me to go searching for my Creator, for me to rush to His tomb and discover that He has risen. My search for the Creator manifested as a search for mom, my Earthly creator.
Confusion and fear	Up until the settling of this dream, I didn't understand what I was saying when I repeated John 3:16. I had never had anyone close to me die to understand the "permanence" of death, and with all the colors and festivities surrounding Easter, I didn't understand the solemnness of Jesus's sacrifice. The confusion and fear that washed over me when I awoke was the understanding that Jesus was beaten, spat upon, and mocked, then hung before people to die a slow suffocating death while they looked on at His shaming. My confusion was the warring of my heart breaking at His suffering and rejoicing at His triumph. My fear was the emergence of the fear of God.
Lightning fireball	The image of God given in the Bible is always associated with fire, from the burning bushing (Exodus) to Jesus's eyes (Revelation). This was God's presence in the dream.

This is how I went from being an unaccountable child to a saved believer. God woke me up, told me to pay attention, and brought the truth of His message to my heart.

The Miracle of Being Born

Being born healthy and into a loving family is the first testimony.

Yes, I know there are 7 billion people on the planet and you probably are thinking that being born isn't miraculous or testimony worthy. I disagree with that sentiment for a variety of reasons. Both atheists and theists, regardless of religion, can agree that conceiving a child is special, precious, and miraculous. The notion that two cells can merge to create life in a body that will be built based on by merging the blueprints of the original two cells is mind blowing, whether you try to explain it with science or whether you acknowledge God's hand in the creation. On top of simply being created, I was fortunate enough to come into the world with all 5 of my senses, no health issues, deformities, or cognitive impairments, to parents who wanted and loved me. I could have been aborted or born premature (in fact I was born 2 weeks early, whereas prematurity is defined as more than 3 weeks early). For whatever reason, God brought me in to the world the gentle way, and that is the first testimony of my life.

Waiting on a Miracle

I hear people talk about miracles... They tend to talk about miracles the same way they talk about magic--that's probably one reason hard-core scientists think science and God are in opposition—but miracles are not like magic. Unfortunately, that means you won't get instantaneous satisfaction or clean, easy solutions. On the bright side, miracles aren't like magic: they actually exist.

When I decided to finish my Masters and transfer schools, a lot happened and everything that happened, happened in very short amount of time. The first miracle that came out of this situation was the complete 180 in my view on my grades. I had earned mostly B's with a few B+'s and A-'s, but those weren't good enough for me to continue in the PhD program. I wasn't particularly happy and I wasn't making any progress. But when the drama unfolded within the department and I felt free to leave, those B's earned me a Masters. I had taken extra courses, in an attempt to raise my GPA, which weren't required for the PhD program, but gave me enough credits to graduate with a Masters. 

With only two months left in the semester, I had to figure out if I was transferring or if I was getting a job. I knew that transferring would be hard; applications should have been due in January or February, particularly for funding. Explaining why I took a Masters without a thesis wasn't going to make the job hunt easy, either. It was a long shot, but I decided to try both fronts. I applied for a job, and I contacted my undergraduate university about returning. It took a few weeks, but in record time, I had been accepted and offered funding to return to my home university where I could happily continue my studies. That was miracle number two.

Of course, I still had to get out of my lease and find a new place to live. My landlord told me if I could move out early (as in, by the end of the month), he was almost certain he could re-lease my apartment and get me out of my lease.  So I struck the deal, figuring the worst-case scenario was that I had to move all my stuff home and then to school. I devoured the internet looking for a potential new apartment and was greeted by places that required roommates, wouldn't fit my furniture, were out of my price range, and/or were already leased to capacity. I took three days (one day to drive home, one day to check out apartments, and one day to drive back to finish out the Masters program) to secure a new apartment. Only one place was "perfect"--reasonably priced, no roommate necessary, and all my furniture would fit. They had one apartment left, and the move in date was the last day of the month. It was perfect. That was miracle number three.

Flash forward to present day, and as life always does, things begin to fall apart again. In June, I got a notice that my apartment rent would increase by a whopping $100 a month if I chose to renew my lease, and I had to let them know my decision by the end of the month. I had forseen this change when the property switched management, and not to be taken off guard, had already begun looking for a new place. The place I'd had in mind was farther away, but cheaper, and just as nice. I'd spoken to a lady who had assured me that they always had availability, and now, all that was left was to go back a set a date. Except, when I went back, they didn't have any availability. Back at square one, I reopened the hunt for an apartment. In a long-shot effort I checked out a set of condos by the lake. I wasn't sure they rented. I was positive they were out of my price range. It turned out that they were larger, nicer, closer, and cheaper. And they had exactly one availability.

All my life, I've been able to look back and see that God was working miracles in every situation. There was bad, there was ugly, and there was downright unfairness stalking my heels. I guess I could have given up at any point. I could have doubted, but I knew that if I didn't give up, I would get to something better.

About a month ago, when I originally felt the urge to write this post, I got a call from a recruiter at a major industry in my field. I was ecstatic that they had noticed my resume and wanted me to apply. This company is notorious for its grueling interview process and I had never thought about applying before the recruiter contacted me. I thought if I got the internship, it would make a good addition to the ideas that were shaping up for this post... Well, I didn't get the internship. But I got interview tips from one of the best companies in my field. I got to go through the interview process, and learned that it wasn't really that bad. And I started reframing my mind back to that of someone actively seeking a job. Rejection stings, nothing will ever change that, but just like the tests I failed that led to a Masters, and the increase in rent that led to a condo by the lake, I know that this is just another step in a carefully laid out plan He has for me. There's a miracle at the end of this chapter, too, I just have to be wait for it to be revealed.